“Essentially what happens when you begin to do what you love is that you get a new employer: Spirit.” Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance
I read in the Los Angeles Times that an 80 year old woman broke her leg in a parachute jump. She started jumping when she was 75. This fearless woman is representative of thousands of venturesome women in America who have passed well beyond the half-century mark. They’re blessed with good health and determined to continue what they’ve always done (or what they’ve always wanted to do.)
I don’t enjoy the concept of mortality---or jumping out of planes for that matter. However, thinking about the limited time we have on this planet, sure does focus ones attention on how to meaningfully and effectively spend the days that are left.
Human beings weren’t created to live at a frenetic pace. The hectic tempo of the modern office may suit a caffeine-soaked brain, but it may also upset our internal rhythms. Often career selection is undertaken entirely from the mind’s standpoint, and we end up doing things for hours every day (such as sitting in front of a computer screen) that further our cerebral ambitions but cause our backs to stiffen, our muscles to atrophy, our eyes to weaken. The body is not a machine external to us, its health affects our mental acuity and moods. When choosing a career path we should give some thought to the question, what does our body want to do?
You’ve had rich life experiences, you’ve acquired an extensive array of interests and abilities. Based on your life experiences, ask yourself, who are you? What do you like? What you do well? By making choices that fit your personal values, skills and ideal work environment, you will achieve lasting satisfaction and a sense of self-worth . What things interest you most? What skills give you the most satisfaction and energy?
Ask yourself, what did you want to be when you were a little girl---before someone insensitive someone told you it wasn’t possible and that no one makes money doing it?”
Start where you are and begin your future now. Create a sense of safety, increasing creativity, uncovering purpose, and staying motivated. Take stock of your present options and create a vision for your future. When you feel discouraged, talk to a supportive, interested friend, keep a journal, honor your body and reward yourself daily.
Consider creating a bridge between your spirituality and your life’s work. This means taking the essence of who you are and what you believe into your work space. If kindness, patience, honesty and generosity are spiritual qualities that you believe in , make every effort to practice them in what you do.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
LET'S PLAY
Laughter lightens the mood, puts things in perspective, heals the troubled heart...And the more we take ourselves lightly, the more our spirit soars. So let us age into laughter. It may be the greatest gift we can give to others, and it can also heal us." Drew Leder, M.D.
As we grow older do we need to grow more serious? Do we need to stop being playful and young spirited? Ask yourself what gives you pleasure and delight? Have you forgotten? Did you leave your inner child behind at the playground?
Your need to play doesn’t diminish with age. No self-help book, Indian guru, or bossy sister can tell you what will give you pleasure. To find what gives you joy you have to discover it for yourself by listening to your inner child’s urges. Sometime during each day I’ve learned to ask myself, “Have you done anything fun yet?”
We all want to live longer and happier so we need to laugh at ourselves more and get out and play. Someone once wrote, “If you laugh...you last!”. That’s true. I remember my 75 year old grandmother playing games with us like Parchessi and Canasta. She even got down on the floor with us to shoot marbles. I also remember my 70+ year old friends, Len and Tita who once got together with a small bunch of friends to skip around silly at a local playground like escapees from the loony bin.
I got an email a few days ago that said, “You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.” There is no doubt that a sense of play and a sense of humor are essential to aging successfully.
Try to put more fun in your life, develop a sense of humor, seek adventure, remain curious and take seriously your inner child’s need to play!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
ONE OF THE JOYS OF AGING
“...I am less defended now, less armored, less closed in. I tell the truth more deeply and more clearly. I fear less. I love more. I am changed at depth. And I’m still blossoming.” BettyClare Moffatt, Soulwork: Clearing the Mind, Opening the Heart, Replenishing the Spirit, Wildcat Canyon Press & New World Library (c) 1994
I am definitely inspired by the above quote by BettyClare Moffatt. When you have a minute, tell me if this is true for you....
I am definitely inspired by the above quote by BettyClare Moffatt. When you have a minute, tell me if this is true for you....
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
ARE YOU HAVING FUN YET?
"We are all little girls in aging bodies. No matter how old we are, we are still that little girl that skipped rope, roller skated on the sidewalk, skinned knees, wore braids with barrettes or ribbons,and ate ice cream bars from the ice cream man...” Jo Schlehofer, Celebrate the Older You.
Did you know that the average number of times an adult laughs in a day is fifteen and that kids laugh as much as 50 times a day!? When was the last time you had some good, old-fashioned fun---the kind that makes you want to laugh?
I remember my grandmother skipping rope when she was in her sixties---just for fun. Remember skipping without a jump rope? Skipping burns almost as many calories as running and it’s probably more fun. I even read somewhere that you can join a skipping club! If you can’t skip, perhaps you can ride a bike. On a vacation to Hilton Head Island with some girlfriends, we rented three wheelers with wire baskets to hold stuff and road around the island for a day like little kids!
If you aren’t a naturally happy person with very little effort, you can actually cultivate pleasure. Creating pleasure is not beyond your control. If you take having fun and creating pleasure seriously, you will find ways to reorient your inner compass and change your thoughts and feelings. With a little effort you can shift your entire mood.
Rebecca Latimer wrote a great book called, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety where she says “Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that if I refuse negative thoughts and emotions, if I smile rather than frown, laugh rather than cry, my mood changes entirely.” I believe her.
I’m not talking about activities you could do in your sleep. And eating doesn’t count unless you are truly immersed in the act of cooking, serving, and tasting. The pleasure in most rote activities, if there is any, wears off in about ten seconds. They just don’t get you to the state of sustained well-being I would call pleasure. Try cultivating activities that result in a state of sustained well-being. Experiment with activities that require considerable attention, like learning to make jewelry, painting a mural, taking your grandchildren to Hershey Park. You lose yourself, forget about time, and come back feeling refreshed.
Before writing this, I spoke with several inspiration people: a 62 year old woman I spoke to gets up at 6:15 A.M. to knit and listen to classical music before she starts a busy day of volunteer work; a 55 year old runs marathons on the weekends for the sheer exhilaration of it; and one 82 year old takes piano lessons for the “high” of it.. Have fun, just for the sake of having fun. If you don’t feel talented or have the strength to run in a marathon, blow bubbles, the kind in the plastic container with the little wand inside. The benefit is that you inhale oxygen which is good for the brain. Play with pipe cleaners or one of my personal favorites, Play-Doh (it’s also good for exercising arthritic hands). Draw with crayons, paint with water colors and by all means, think about getting a glue gun!
"When I was thirty, I had no clue. If I’d known how much fun, what freedom, would be found in these September years, I would’ve lied about my age and gotten here sooner." Lynne Zielinski, Chocolate for a Woman’s Spirit
Did you know that the average number of times an adult laughs in a day is fifteen and that kids laugh as much as 50 times a day!? When was the last time you had some good, old-fashioned fun---the kind that makes you want to laugh?
I remember my grandmother skipping rope when she was in her sixties---just for fun. Remember skipping without a jump rope? Skipping burns almost as many calories as running and it’s probably more fun. I even read somewhere that you can join a skipping club! If you can’t skip, perhaps you can ride a bike. On a vacation to Hilton Head Island with some girlfriends, we rented three wheelers with wire baskets to hold stuff and road around the island for a day like little kids!
If you aren’t a naturally happy person with very little effort, you can actually cultivate pleasure. Creating pleasure is not beyond your control. If you take having fun and creating pleasure seriously, you will find ways to reorient your inner compass and change your thoughts and feelings. With a little effort you can shift your entire mood.
Rebecca Latimer wrote a great book called, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety where she says “Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that if I refuse negative thoughts and emotions, if I smile rather than frown, laugh rather than cry, my mood changes entirely.” I believe her.
I’m not talking about activities you could do in your sleep. And eating doesn’t count unless you are truly immersed in the act of cooking, serving, and tasting. The pleasure in most rote activities, if there is any, wears off in about ten seconds. They just don’t get you to the state of sustained well-being I would call pleasure. Try cultivating activities that result in a state of sustained well-being. Experiment with activities that require considerable attention, like learning to make jewelry, painting a mural, taking your grandchildren to Hershey Park. You lose yourself, forget about time, and come back feeling refreshed.
Before writing this, I spoke with several inspiration people: a 62 year old woman I spoke to gets up at 6:15 A.M. to knit and listen to classical music before she starts a busy day of volunteer work; a 55 year old runs marathons on the weekends for the sheer exhilaration of it; and one 82 year old takes piano lessons for the “high” of it.. Have fun, just for the sake of having fun. If you don’t feel talented or have the strength to run in a marathon, blow bubbles, the kind in the plastic container with the little wand inside. The benefit is that you inhale oxygen which is good for the brain. Play with pipe cleaners or one of my personal favorites, Play-Doh (it’s also good for exercising arthritic hands). Draw with crayons, paint with water colors and by all means, think about getting a glue gun!
"When I was thirty, I had no clue. If I’d known how much fun, what freedom, would be found in these September years, I would’ve lied about my age and gotten here sooner." Lynne Zielinski, Chocolate for a Woman’s Spirit
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
UNFINISHED FAMILY BUSINESS
“Everyone has a stack of painful memories, rejections, disappointments, ridicule, sorrows over what might have been...we have a choice about whether we forgive others including our parents and heal ourselves or let the hurts go on festering.” Betty Nickerson, Old & Smart: Women and Aging
One of the blocks to successfully moving into the second half of our lives is unfinished family business. A friend of mine, a more than middle-aged woman, has not spoken to her parents or siblings since she graduated high school. I don’t know what caused the breach--but I have other friends who are very close to severing family ties because they get continuing aggravation instead of the understanding and support they need. However, leaving family issues unresolved can keep you stuck in the draining negative energy of the past. When you’re over fifty you’re going to need all the energy you can muster..
If family members can’t give you the support you need in an area that is sensitive to you, try to find some aspect of your life you can comfortably share with them. In some cases where a bridge can’t be built, you may have to create a new “family”. It’s never too late to do so. Weathering the storms of life isn’t easy and loving relationships can be a lifeboat---a lifeboat you can build by choosing less dysfunctional family members.
For example, I enlisted a new family for myself when I realized mine wasn’t capable of giving me what I needed. When I was developing my new family, I never directly asked anyone to fill the roles. I learned about each person’s background, and developed a plan to strengthen the relationship. When I found I could trust these new “family” members, I invited them into my life, sharing intimate details with each.
Although her circumstances were different than mine, consider what Roberta Russell says in her book, R. D. Laing and Me: Lessons in Love, where she describes how she re-created a family after losing her family to divorces and death. “I carefully chose six people for my new family. One was a great teacher...another, an excellent father...and so on. I worked hard to give them what they needed--and to establish trust. Being reliable was key.”
After you’ve managed to assemble a new, more functional family where you feel strong and safe, you might be best to acknowledge your anger and disappointment with your original family. This is key to moving into a healing process with them. Many years ago my therapist helped me honor my anger to make meaning of it all, and ultimately move toward forgiveness. Allowing room for anger allowed me to move to a place where where forgiveness and understanding could be born.
What does it mean to forgive? Webster defines it as “to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty.” If we are to forgive we must first surrender the right to get even. We then cease defining the one who hurt us in terms of the hurt that was caused. Keep in mind, there is nothing in Webster’s definition about the need to reach approval of the injurer’s actions. If we forgive we can also reach a point where we wish our injurers well---this act of forgiveness then becomes some kind of miracle after we’ve made meaning of the situation.
Being able to let go of negative feelings towards others is highly dependent on our ability to let go of negative feelings toward ourselves. When we have developed the ability to let go our own past mistakes, to acknowledge our humanness, it is almost magical how effortless it becomes to let go the mistakes of others.
No family connection of any kind would last if the silent reparative force of forgiveness were not working almost constantly to counteract the corrosive effects of resentment and bitterness. The wish to repair a wounded relationship, whether it takes the form of forgiveness, apology, or some other bridging gesture, is a basic human impulse. Forgiveness is not just a by-product of growth: The struggle to forgive can promote growth and give us back some of the energy we’ll need to get on with life!
One of the blocks to successfully moving into the second half of our lives is unfinished family business. A friend of mine, a more than middle-aged woman, has not spoken to her parents or siblings since she graduated high school. I don’t know what caused the breach--but I have other friends who are very close to severing family ties because they get continuing aggravation instead of the understanding and support they need. However, leaving family issues unresolved can keep you stuck in the draining negative energy of the past. When you’re over fifty you’re going to need all the energy you can muster..
If family members can’t give you the support you need in an area that is sensitive to you, try to find some aspect of your life you can comfortably share with them. In some cases where a bridge can’t be built, you may have to create a new “family”. It’s never too late to do so. Weathering the storms of life isn’t easy and loving relationships can be a lifeboat---a lifeboat you can build by choosing less dysfunctional family members.
For example, I enlisted a new family for myself when I realized mine wasn’t capable of giving me what I needed. When I was developing my new family, I never directly asked anyone to fill the roles. I learned about each person’s background, and developed a plan to strengthen the relationship. When I found I could trust these new “family” members, I invited them into my life, sharing intimate details with each.
Although her circumstances were different than mine, consider what Roberta Russell says in her book, R. D. Laing and Me: Lessons in Love, where she describes how she re-created a family after losing her family to divorces and death. “I carefully chose six people for my new family. One was a great teacher...another, an excellent father...and so on. I worked hard to give them what they needed--and to establish trust. Being reliable was key.”
After you’ve managed to assemble a new, more functional family where you feel strong and safe, you might be best to acknowledge your anger and disappointment with your original family. This is key to moving into a healing process with them. Many years ago my therapist helped me honor my anger to make meaning of it all, and ultimately move toward forgiveness. Allowing room for anger allowed me to move to a place where where forgiveness and understanding could be born.
What does it mean to forgive? Webster defines it as “to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty.” If we are to forgive we must first surrender the right to get even. We then cease defining the one who hurt us in terms of the hurt that was caused. Keep in mind, there is nothing in Webster’s definition about the need to reach approval of the injurer’s actions. If we forgive we can also reach a point where we wish our injurers well---this act of forgiveness then becomes some kind of miracle after we’ve made meaning of the situation.
Being able to let go of negative feelings towards others is highly dependent on our ability to let go of negative feelings toward ourselves. When we have developed the ability to let go our own past mistakes, to acknowledge our humanness, it is almost magical how effortless it becomes to let go the mistakes of others.
No family connection of any kind would last if the silent reparative force of forgiveness were not working almost constantly to counteract the corrosive effects of resentment and bitterness. The wish to repair a wounded relationship, whether it takes the form of forgiveness, apology, or some other bridging gesture, is a basic human impulse. Forgiveness is not just a by-product of growth: The struggle to forgive can promote growth and give us back some of the energy we’ll need to get on with life!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
THOUGHTS ON AUNT GRACE
“You may be wondering what Buddhism has to do with growing older, but if you can accept that ‘non-attachment’ is helpful, you will discover that possessions aren’t as important as they were.” Rebecca Latimer, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety
I’m remembering my husband’s Aunt. Grace was someone I truly admired for her straight forward, no nonsense approach to life. Widowed for some time and living alone at 90, we often visited her in her small, tastefully appointed one-bedroom apartment in the upscale neighborhood of Central Park West in Manhattan, NY. Everything was in its place---clean and tidy. On one of our visits, I noticed something important about her lifestyle. She had enough money to buy out Saks Fifth Avenue, yet when she opened her front hall closet door to retrieve her coat for a walk with us to the grocery store, I noticed only these few items:
• an umbrella
• a rain coat
• a light weight coat for spring
• a heavy woolen coat for winter
• one pair of sturdy, fashionable overshoes
• one silk scarf and one woolen scarf
• one pair of well made leather gloves
That was all! And this was a woman who could afford to fill her closets three times over! I never asked her why she didn’t have an accumulation of things, but if I had, I’m sure she would have responded that living in a simple, uncluttered apartment made life much easier and more manageable.
Aunt Grace had a small simple kitchen with no fancy appliances---just the basics. She and several of her older neighbors checked in on each other daily. Grace loved traveling the world and yet she was down to earth. She loved being around people and around culture and the arts and so Manhattan suited her. No retirement home for her! In fact, she lived happily on her own, in her apartment until she left her interesting, beautiful and uncluttered life in her mid-90’s! When I grow up, I want to be Aunt Grace.
I’m remembering my husband’s Aunt. Grace was someone I truly admired for her straight forward, no nonsense approach to life. Widowed for some time and living alone at 90, we often visited her in her small, tastefully appointed one-bedroom apartment in the upscale neighborhood of Central Park West in Manhattan, NY. Everything was in its place---clean and tidy. On one of our visits, I noticed something important about her lifestyle. She had enough money to buy out Saks Fifth Avenue, yet when she opened her front hall closet door to retrieve her coat for a walk with us to the grocery store, I noticed only these few items:
• an umbrella
• a rain coat
• a light weight coat for spring
• a heavy woolen coat for winter
• one pair of sturdy, fashionable overshoes
• one silk scarf and one woolen scarf
• one pair of well made leather gloves
That was all! And this was a woman who could afford to fill her closets three times over! I never asked her why she didn’t have an accumulation of things, but if I had, I’m sure she would have responded that living in a simple, uncluttered apartment made life much easier and more manageable.
Aunt Grace had a small simple kitchen with no fancy appliances---just the basics. She and several of her older neighbors checked in on each other daily. Grace loved traveling the world and yet she was down to earth. She loved being around people and around culture and the arts and so Manhattan suited her. No retirement home for her! In fact, she lived happily on her own, in her apartment until she left her interesting, beautiful and uncluttered life in her mid-90’s! When I grow up, I want to be Aunt Grace.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
UTERUSES AND VAGINAS!
“I can’t stand how grim everyone is about aging----osteoporosis, liver spots, vaginal dryness---oh, please!” Valerie Harper, Today I am a Ma’am
Let’s face it. If you’re an older women, you’ve got at least a vagina and maybe a uterus. These precious body parts deserve our attention just like any other body part. I’ll start this discussion with our friend the vagina (mom used to refer to it as, “down there”).
When women enter menopause, one of the most common complaints is vaginal dryness during sex which can make intercourse feel scratchy or painful. Fortunately, medical science has come to the rescue. Talk to your gyno regarding prescriptions, lubricants, hormone creams which can thicken and nourish the vaginal tissues. You may also want to try a non-hormonal lubricant.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way --- let’s get even more personal. Did you know that regular toning of your vaginal muscles increases circulation to this area of your body and helps keep vaginal tissues moist and healthy. You don’t have to go to the gym for this one (although you can do them there also). Exercise your vaginal muscles by doing Kegel exercises. Squeeze your vaginal muscles (these are the same ones you use to stop the flow of urine) and hold them for 10 seconds and relax. Repeat several times per day. I do them whenever I’m stopped at a traffic light or on line at the supermarket. No one knows my secret! As you’re doing these discreet exercises, try not to contract your thighs, buttocks or abdominals at the same time and visualize “down there” as healthy, pink, moist and resilient.
And now on to your uterus! If you’ve still got one, you may be one of the 40% of U.S. women who have uterine fibroids. Some fibroids go away of their own accord., while others stay and cause problems. Although there are dietary and hormonal reasons why so many women have these growths, the baseline ‘energetic’ causes of fibroids may have to do with blockage and stagnation of the energy of the pelvis. In her widely acclaimed newsletter called “Health Wisdom for Women”, Dr. Christiane Northrup suggests that “the illnesses that originate in this area of the body are activated by prolonged stress from fear of losing control over our physical environments....Fibroids represent creative energy that hasn’t been birthed. We are at risk for fibroids when we direct our energy into any dead-end relationship...a job, a marriage, a family or virtually any situation that is less than fulfilling...”
If you’ve had a hysterectomy or are anticipating one, remember that a hysterectomy doesn’t necessarily diminish your sexuality. Most women who have hysterectomies report more sexual activity and greater pleasure after the operation that before it. The probable reason--the symptoms that usually lead to hysterectomy, including pain and heavy bleeding, keep women from enjoying sex fully before the operation.
So, have a good time paying attention to those parts “down there” and get on with living!
Let’s face it. If you’re an older women, you’ve got at least a vagina and maybe a uterus. These precious body parts deserve our attention just like any other body part. I’ll start this discussion with our friend the vagina (mom used to refer to it as, “down there”).
When women enter menopause, one of the most common complaints is vaginal dryness during sex which can make intercourse feel scratchy or painful. Fortunately, medical science has come to the rescue. Talk to your gyno regarding prescriptions, lubricants, hormone creams which can thicken and nourish the vaginal tissues. You may also want to try a non-hormonal lubricant.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way --- let’s get even more personal. Did you know that regular toning of your vaginal muscles increases circulation to this area of your body and helps keep vaginal tissues moist and healthy. You don’t have to go to the gym for this one (although you can do them there also). Exercise your vaginal muscles by doing Kegel exercises. Squeeze your vaginal muscles (these are the same ones you use to stop the flow of urine) and hold them for 10 seconds and relax. Repeat several times per day. I do them whenever I’m stopped at a traffic light or on line at the supermarket. No one knows my secret! As you’re doing these discreet exercises, try not to contract your thighs, buttocks or abdominals at the same time and visualize “down there” as healthy, pink, moist and resilient.
And now on to your uterus! If you’ve still got one, you may be one of the 40% of U.S. women who have uterine fibroids. Some fibroids go away of their own accord., while others stay and cause problems. Although there are dietary and hormonal reasons why so many women have these growths, the baseline ‘energetic’ causes of fibroids may have to do with blockage and stagnation of the energy of the pelvis. In her widely acclaimed newsletter called “Health Wisdom for Women”, Dr. Christiane Northrup suggests that “the illnesses that originate in this area of the body are activated by prolonged stress from fear of losing control over our physical environments....Fibroids represent creative energy that hasn’t been birthed. We are at risk for fibroids when we direct our energy into any dead-end relationship...a job, a marriage, a family or virtually any situation that is less than fulfilling...”
If you’ve had a hysterectomy or are anticipating one, remember that a hysterectomy doesn’t necessarily diminish your sexuality. Most women who have hysterectomies report more sexual activity and greater pleasure after the operation that before it. The probable reason--the symptoms that usually lead to hysterectomy, including pain and heavy bleeding, keep women from enjoying sex fully before the operation.
So, have a good time paying attention to those parts “down there” and get on with living!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, AGAIN!
“I tell people I’m 75 instead of 65 so they’ll think I look great for my age!”Patti Dudyshun, Astrological Counselor
Just before my 50th birthday I suffered a concussion and damage to my neck in a car accident and consequently missed having the celebratory party I had envisioned. When I finally started to feel well enough to give a party (it took 2 years!) I decided I would celebrate my 50th at age 52. Now when my birthday rolls around, I feel each birthday is once again my 50th because having survived that accident, I’m so glad to be alive. At my 50th birthday party (which I celebrated at 52) I bought party hats and noise makers for my guests, and bubbles to blow. I will never deny my true age (I’ll be 62 on June 12th) but I plan to celebrate my 50th over and over until I’m 100! So this year I’m celebrating my 50th again because that was the year I realized how precious and precarious life is.
Gifts are another issue. Don’t we have enough stuff at this point!? My over 70 friend Alma told me we should all, “get a hobby so your friends and your kids will know what to buy you. Then you won’t end up with a bunch of extraneous nonsense.” I’ve got lots of hobbies and I’m still not in the mood for gifts that relate to any them. My house is full of stuff that I’m trying to rid of. So don’t buy me a present---take me out for a drink or dinner. I like gifts that get eaten, digested and disappeared!
I’ve never felt upset about getting a year older. Negative feelings abound on the issue of birthdays like the ones that Mary McConnell expressed in one of her books, “Turning sixty sneaks up on you, like a difficult guest you know is coming...and suddenly sixty knocks at the door” Some women I’ve spoken to barely enjoy their birthdays anymore because they don’t like calling attention to their age. That’s a shame, because for most, birthdays were so special when they were younger.
Not everyone is negative when it comes to celebrating their years. On her 60th birthday my friend Patty told me, “I love celebrating my birthday. The attention is on just me---all day! I’ve got no problem saying how old I am. I was born on July 25th so I’ve always celebrated the entire month---starting with July 4th. On reaching 60, I’m feeling a new freedom---total permission to be me. If I want to do anything, good or bad, the decision is totally mine. I feel just fine saying “no” if I don’t want to do something. In recent years I rent a house on the beach where I celebrate my birthday with my friends. My time at the beach house gives me a sense of peace and calm and brings me back to who I am.”
Try not to think about the accumulation of your birthdays. It’s how you feel that matters. Consider spending your birthday in a way that feels best to you---with others or alone. Or try one of these:
• Do something daring like rent a convertible and drive with the top down, or arrange for a hot air balloon ride
• Throw yourself a party for an in-between birthday---like 57 instead of 60.
• Before your birthday arrives buy a beautiful journal. Fill every page with positive memories, and things you’re proud of, then give it to yourself as a birthday present.
• Spend part of the day meditating and reflecting on your life.
Just before my 50th birthday I suffered a concussion and damage to my neck in a car accident and consequently missed having the celebratory party I had envisioned. When I finally started to feel well enough to give a party (it took 2 years!) I decided I would celebrate my 50th at age 52. Now when my birthday rolls around, I feel each birthday is once again my 50th because having survived that accident, I’m so glad to be alive. At my 50th birthday party (which I celebrated at 52) I bought party hats and noise makers for my guests, and bubbles to blow. I will never deny my true age (I’ll be 62 on June 12th) but I plan to celebrate my 50th over and over until I’m 100! So this year I’m celebrating my 50th again because that was the year I realized how precious and precarious life is.
Gifts are another issue. Don’t we have enough stuff at this point!? My over 70 friend Alma told me we should all, “get a hobby so your friends and your kids will know what to buy you. Then you won’t end up with a bunch of extraneous nonsense.” I’ve got lots of hobbies and I’m still not in the mood for gifts that relate to any them. My house is full of stuff that I’m trying to rid of. So don’t buy me a present---take me out for a drink or dinner. I like gifts that get eaten, digested and disappeared!
I’ve never felt upset about getting a year older. Negative feelings abound on the issue of birthdays like the ones that Mary McConnell expressed in one of her books, “Turning sixty sneaks up on you, like a difficult guest you know is coming...and suddenly sixty knocks at the door” Some women I’ve spoken to barely enjoy their birthdays anymore because they don’t like calling attention to their age. That’s a shame, because for most, birthdays were so special when they were younger.
Not everyone is negative when it comes to celebrating their years. On her 60th birthday my friend Patty told me, “I love celebrating my birthday. The attention is on just me---all day! I’ve got no problem saying how old I am. I was born on July 25th so I’ve always celebrated the entire month---starting with July 4th. On reaching 60, I’m feeling a new freedom---total permission to be me. If I want to do anything, good or bad, the decision is totally mine. I feel just fine saying “no” if I don’t want to do something. In recent years I rent a house on the beach where I celebrate my birthday with my friends. My time at the beach house gives me a sense of peace and calm and brings me back to who I am.”
Try not to think about the accumulation of your birthdays. It’s how you feel that matters. Consider spending your birthday in a way that feels best to you---with others or alone. Or try one of these:
• Do something daring like rent a convertible and drive with the top down, or arrange for a hot air balloon ride
• Throw yourself a party for an in-between birthday---like 57 instead of 60.
• Before your birthday arrives buy a beautiful journal. Fill every page with positive memories, and things you’re proud of, then give it to yourself as a birthday present.
• Spend part of the day meditating and reflecting on your life.
Monday, May 31, 2010
WHY ARE MY EARS SO LONG?
Sometimes I look in the mirror expecting to see the body, the face of my youth because I remember her. She’s still in me.” Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart
Sometime after turning 55 I remember waking up one morning to the birds singing outside my window and the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. I believed it was going to be a perfect day until I struggled to my feet, hand on my back and hobbled past the full length mirror on the bedroom door. Eyes still blurry from sleep, I leaned toward the mirror and thought, “Who is that old woman? Am I still in there?” I wondered. (At 61, I don’t wonder any more.)
Then, even before I had my coffee, I remembered something else that made me want to go back to bed. In doing the research for this book I had read that after 50, our tissues start drying out! One reason weight actually drops after 55! (I’m still waiting for that to happen!) And of all things, they tell us that around 65 our noses and ear lobes elongate! Oh my. Floppy ear lobes and long noses! However, our biological clocks tick at wildly different rates and no two women will age in exactly the same way. So, while some of you are drying out and losing weight at age 55, others of you may not experience nose droop until you’re 80!
Not wanting to deal with all this information on my own, I poured myself a cup of coffee and called my friend Deb for some consolation. She listened while I moaned and groaned about my inevitable decline with age and she jokingly replied, “let’s just kill ourselves and be done with it!” That’s one way to end your concern and I don’t recommend it. I think it’s important to have a more upbeat approach, don’t you? So, I’m considering this---when my ears are longer, my dangle earings will swing better and if my nose gets longer at least it will be drier and I won’t have to stoop as far to smell the flowers!
Sometime after turning 55 I remember waking up one morning to the birds singing outside my window and the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. I believed it was going to be a perfect day until I struggled to my feet, hand on my back and hobbled past the full length mirror on the bedroom door. Eyes still blurry from sleep, I leaned toward the mirror and thought, “Who is that old woman? Am I still in there?” I wondered. (At 61, I don’t wonder any more.)
Then, even before I had my coffee, I remembered something else that made me want to go back to bed. In doing the research for this book I had read that after 50, our tissues start drying out! One reason weight actually drops after 55! (I’m still waiting for that to happen!) And of all things, they tell us that around 65 our noses and ear lobes elongate! Oh my. Floppy ear lobes and long noses! However, our biological clocks tick at wildly different rates and no two women will age in exactly the same way. So, while some of you are drying out and losing weight at age 55, others of you may not experience nose droop until you’re 80!
Not wanting to deal with all this information on my own, I poured myself a cup of coffee and called my friend Deb for some consolation. She listened while I moaned and groaned about my inevitable decline with age and she jokingly replied, “let’s just kill ourselves and be done with it!” That’s one way to end your concern and I don’t recommend it. I think it’s important to have a more upbeat approach, don’t you? So, I’m considering this---when my ears are longer, my dangle earings will swing better and if my nose gets longer at least it will be drier and I won’t have to stoop as far to smell the flowers!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
DO I LOOK LIKE A GRANDMA?
There are more grandmothers alive today than at any other time in the history of the world. However, today’s grandmothers don’t look like grandmothers.Lois Wyse, Funny, You Don’t Look Like a Grandmother, Crown Publishers, 1989
And what is a grandmother supposed to look like? Mine looked sweet and had small, strong arthritic hands. Her skin was transparent and loose crepe paper skin decorated her outstretched arms. Her eyes twinkled like Mrs. Santa Claus and when she got mad her face reddened, her high-pitched voice poised to cut you in half. After the scolding she would give you a big hug. Sunday mornings, wrapped in a flower-printed, handmade apron, she’d produce stacks of thin, buttery Swedish pancakes. She cooked everything in butter and didn’t weigh more than three bags of groceries. Did she look like a grandma? You bet. And, more than that, she acted like one.
Grandma was the one you could go to with the stuff you didn’t want to share with your mother. She wasn’t as judgmental. She played cards with us, and Parchessi and Chinese Checkers. She taught me how to sew with a thimble, how to knit a scarf and crochet the edge on a pillowcase. I’ve got five grandchildren. Do I look like a grandmother? I would like to think not---yet, what am I so worried about. I sure would like to be more of a grandmother---not as concerned about every little wrinkle, ache and pain. I’d like to be more concerned with being the one the kids come to with their problems. I’d like to worry less about my post-menopausal weight gain and double chin and be more available to play Gin Rummy or X-box. I’d like to be less concerned with how much my skin is sagging and focus more on giving the best hugs in the world.
Speaking of grandma, I heard her voice in my head this morning. “Why don’t they make things the way they used to?” she said. “The size of my foundation makeup keeps getting smaller.” On a positive note, as I was brushing my teeth, she went on to say, “My, aren’t you lucky to still have most of your teeth!”
Monday, May 17, 2010
CAREGIVING A LOVED ONE
After my husband’s heart attack I was coping, but then I felt overwhelmed by strong feelings of grief. My husband was alive, so how come I was feeling such grief and loss? The answer is, our life together had changed forever.Susan, Age 64
Like Susan who wrote the quote above, I’m feeling grief and loss today. My husband of 25 years has needed a hip replacement for a while and he’s been unable to do many of things we used to do; walks in the woods, leisurely shopping trips; long car rides. While awaiting his scheduled hip surgery, he recently fell down our split level stairs as a result of his weakened right side and broke his ankle in two places. So now the hip surgery must wait for the broken ankle to set! In the meantime, he’s on crutches and I’m waiting on him and trying to make the best of it. I find my patience wearing thin and some significant sadness regarding our reduced lifestyle.
Older couples who have successfully negotiated the early stages of retirement may find themselves facing crises when illness or injury upsets the long-time balance of roles and responsibilities in their relationship. We mourn our old innocent ways...and our lost certainties. We face changes in lifestyle, financial security, retirement and our spouses’ physical capabilities. Perhaps, over the years you developed a certain sense of security and now the rules have changed. The upside is that a brush with mortality can reorder a couple’s priorities for the better. A health crisis
can pull some couples apart, intensifying existing conflicts. For others, the crisis provides an opportunity for enriching the relationship.
Millions of older American women are caring for a chronically ill husband or partner. This stressful endeavor can be hazardous to the caregiver’s health, especially in cases where the chronic disease is severe. Some caregivers begin to neglect themselves and unknowingly create stress-induced health issues. To maintain your role as a functional caretaker, you must pay attention to your own needs. I make an annoucement to my injured husband at least once a day that sounds like this: “Honey, it’s my turn now. I need at least one hour to take care of myself. Can I do anything for you before I go (downstairs, shopping, into the bathtub, etc.).”
Taking care of yourself helps you come to terms with this life changing crisis. Take charge of your life and don’t let your loved one’s illness or disability always take center stage. Honor yourself---you’re doing a very hard job and you deserve some quality time, just for you. When someone offers to lend a hand, accept their offer. Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition, promote your loved one’s independence, grieve your losses and allow yourself to dream new dreams.
There is great strength in knowing you are not alone so seek support from other caregivers. Check with your local hospital to see if they have caregiver support groups. You will also feel less fearful if you can involve the whole family. At weekly problem solving meetings, ask each person to describe his greatest concerns. Then discuss them. If your children are grown and living elsewhere, performing this exercise even once during a visit can break the tension and be extremely helpful.
If you are grieving over the loss of your former life with your husband or partner, honest discussion of the changes in your relationship can ease the pain. Remember that you and your loved one’s combined grief is both a process that make take some time, and an opportunity for deepening your relationship.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
BECOMING INVISIBLE
“Many women approaching 50 don’t feel glamorous; they feel invisible...I think they mean sexually invisible, but if they send out the right vibes, they won’t be... “ Judith Krantz
In the quote above, Judith Krantz brings up a good point---what kind of vibes are you sending out? I remember the first time I heard the “invisibility” indictment. I was sitting with a client who was 15 years older than me at the time (which made her about 55---seven years younger than I am today). She had just gone through the healing process from a difficult divorce and was ready to start dating for the first time in 30 years. She was feeling invisible and unnoticed at social events even when she was dressed well and coifed to the nines. I recall thinking to myself that will never happen to me---I would never feel that way!
Yet sometime in my late forties, I began to feel the invisibility I was so sure I would never experience. It was upsetting at the time. My self-esteem began to plummet and I was starting to feel less sexy and desirable. At the same time, I began to develop a sense of relief from the pressure to be young and look fabulous at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up on myself, I still take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress well. But as I said, the pressure is less and that’s a relief. Author, Mary McDonnell, (Still Dancing: Life Choices & Challenges for Women, Harbinger House, Inc., 1990) reminds us that “Growing older is not a reason to develop low self-esteem. Many women find new confidence and self-assurance after fifty.”
That’s what I’ve decided is worth working on---a new confidence and self-assurance. At fifty I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds. I also had my “colors done” and a makeup consultation that helped me feel better about how I look. At 61, am I still feeling invisible? Maybe a little, but more importantly I’m not invisible to me. I matter, and I am clearly here, on solid ground feeling confident and in tune with my body.
You will undoubtedly develop extremely low self esteem if most of your life you relied on your looks to give you a sense of value. If you think that’s the only way you are seen, then be prepared to become invisible and stay that way! In her book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson said “...as we age, gorgeous young hunks may or may not be interested in us any more. For that matter, men our own age and older might not be interested anymore.
My response
to that is ‘so what?’”
The goal is to arrive at the point where you’re comfortable with who you are and as invisible as you choose to be!
In the quote above, Judith Krantz brings up a good point---what kind of vibes are you sending out? I remember the first time I heard the “invisibility” indictment. I was sitting with a client who was 15 years older than me at the time (which made her about 55---seven years younger than I am today). She had just gone through the healing process from a difficult divorce and was ready to start dating for the first time in 30 years. She was feeling invisible and unnoticed at social events even when she was dressed well and coifed to the nines. I recall thinking to myself that will never happen to me---I would never feel that way!
Yet sometime in my late forties, I began to feel the invisibility I was so sure I would never experience. It was upsetting at the time. My self-esteem began to plummet and I was starting to feel less sexy and desirable. At the same time, I began to develop a sense of relief from the pressure to be young and look fabulous at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up on myself, I still take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress well. But as I said, the pressure is less and that’s a relief. Author, Mary McDonnell, (Still Dancing: Life Choices & Challenges for Women, Harbinger House, Inc., 1990) reminds us that “Growing older is not a reason to develop low self-esteem. Many women find new confidence and self-assurance after fifty.”
That’s what I’ve decided is worth working on---a new confidence and self-assurance. At fifty I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds. I also had my “colors done” and a makeup consultation that helped me feel better about how I look. At 61, am I still feeling invisible? Maybe a little, but more importantly I’m not invisible to me. I matter, and I am clearly here, on solid ground feeling confident and in tune with my body.
You will undoubtedly develop extremely low self esteem if most of your life you relied on your looks to give you a sense of value. If you think that’s the only way you are seen, then be prepared to become invisible and stay that way! In her book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson said “...as we age, gorgeous young hunks may or may not be interested in us any more. For that matter, men our own age and older might not be interested anymore.
My response
to that is ‘so what?’”
The goal is to arrive at the point where you’re comfortable with who you are and as invisible as you choose to be!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
OUR SELF IMAGE
“Most important, I will learn that being old is a badge of honor, not a reason to hide in shame. I will refuse to be invisible!” Finy Hansen, New Age Magazine, November/December 2001
For many women, self image and self esteem, begins to decline with age. They feel invisible. They feel young on the inside but not in their outward appearance. They find it takes a lot more effort to maintain their looks and their bodies.
With so much emphasis placed on appearance by our society, the scariest part of aging for many women is that they now have to rely on who they are rather than on what they look like. I had to ask myself am I so attached to my younger looks that I’ve misplaced who I really am at 61? When I was in my fifties I began to feel estranged from my body and the weight gain I experienced after menopause was literally weighing me down.
As far back as I could remember, I’d been able to eat whatever I liked without gaining much weight. I’d burn it off running errands and chasing children. Imagine my amazement when this metabolic miracle ended just as I was on the cusp of 50. I had not changed my eating habits one iota, yet suddenly I was gaining and gaining until I discovered I was 40 pounds overweight! I tried on everything in my closet and donated anything without a stretchy waste band. I didn’t even try on the tailored jackets and pants I knew I wouldn’t be able to button.
At one point I told myself I wanted to be like Ruth Harriet Jacobs, author of Be An Outrageous Older Woman who writes, “I am a woman of size but refuse to hide in black or navy blue. I wear bright colors and wild styles rather than apologizing for age or taking up sizable space in the world.” But, I’m not as brave as Ruth yet.
Where do I fit now? Some of the older women in my neighborhood have white hair, some are arthritic and stooped, some look like they’ve given up. Sometimes we smile at each other. But I wonder, if they consider me one of their own? Sometimes I feel like an impostor and part of me wants to deny kinship with these older women. I want to be in the club, but I want to look good---feel good---project health.
Should we totally ignore the image we project? Of course not---but as older women it’s important to remember that we are also much more than our image. There are two authors that I particularly admire for their insight and wisdom on this topic: In Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “Love how you look, smell and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance of your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you’ve done.”
And Elizabeth Cady Stanton who said, .”Be kind, noble, generous, well-mannered, be true to yourselves and your friends, and the soft lines of these tender graces and noble virtues will reveal themselves in the face...in a personal atmosphere of goodness and greatness that none can mistake...We cannot be one thing and look another...There are indelible marks in every face showing the real life within.”
Take time to explore the key issues of redefining your older self image. Ask yourself---what constitutes a healthy self image?
For many women, self image and self esteem, begins to decline with age. They feel invisible. They feel young on the inside but not in their outward appearance. They find it takes a lot more effort to maintain their looks and their bodies.
With so much emphasis placed on appearance by our society, the scariest part of aging for many women is that they now have to rely on who they are rather than on what they look like. I had to ask myself am I so attached to my younger looks that I’ve misplaced who I really am at 61? When I was in my fifties I began to feel estranged from my body and the weight gain I experienced after menopause was literally weighing me down.
As far back as I could remember, I’d been able to eat whatever I liked without gaining much weight. I’d burn it off running errands and chasing children. Imagine my amazement when this metabolic miracle ended just as I was on the cusp of 50. I had not changed my eating habits one iota, yet suddenly I was gaining and gaining until I discovered I was 40 pounds overweight! I tried on everything in my closet and donated anything without a stretchy waste band. I didn’t even try on the tailored jackets and pants I knew I wouldn’t be able to button.
At one point I told myself I wanted to be like Ruth Harriet Jacobs, author of Be An Outrageous Older Woman who writes, “I am a woman of size but refuse to hide in black or navy blue. I wear bright colors and wild styles rather than apologizing for age or taking up sizable space in the world.” But, I’m not as brave as Ruth yet.
Where do I fit now? Some of the older women in my neighborhood have white hair, some are arthritic and stooped, some look like they’ve given up. Sometimes we smile at each other. But I wonder, if they consider me one of their own? Sometimes I feel like an impostor and part of me wants to deny kinship with these older women. I want to be in the club, but I want to look good---feel good---project health.
Should we totally ignore the image we project? Of course not---but as older women it’s important to remember that we are also much more than our image. There are two authors that I particularly admire for their insight and wisdom on this topic: In Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “Love how you look, smell and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance of your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you’ve done.”
And Elizabeth Cady Stanton who said, .”Be kind, noble, generous, well-mannered, be true to yourselves and your friends, and the soft lines of these tender graces and noble virtues will reveal themselves in the face...in a personal atmosphere of goodness and greatness that none can mistake...We cannot be one thing and look another...There are indelible marks in every face showing the real life within.”
Take time to explore the key issues of redefining your older self image. Ask yourself---what constitutes a healthy self image?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
WAITING
“The older one gets the more one feels that the present must be enjoyed; it is a precious gift, comparable to a state of grace.”
Marie Curie
As I age I feel I am at the same time getting better at waiting, and more impatient with it. When I barrel at high speed through my days, I’m increasingly aware that I miss the nuances of the moments that are only available when you are still.
I remember my grandmother. No matter what the occasion or who was coming to take her out, she was always ready to go an hour ahead of time. Should would sit patiently by the front door, coat on, purse held tightly on her lap---waiting. I felt uncomfortable seeing her sit there for such a long time, but it has occurred to me lately that it was a productive activity for her. That perhaps she used those quiet, unhurried moments as an opportunity to meditate, be in the moment, to experience more fully what was happening inside and around her.
Perhaps I’m becoming more like her. I’m feeling that I want more “slow time” these days, more patience, more internal peace while I wait. When I was younger, waiting was an anxious, trying to make time move faster activity. I wanted “fast time”. I couldn’t WAIT for Christmas, my birthday, to turn 12, to turn 21. I couldn’t WAIT until graduation, my baby was born, the tulips came up, until summer arrived. I couldn’t WAIT to get married, to buy a house, to receive the blouse I ordered, to see my boyfriend on Saturday night.
When I can manifest “slow time”, I know I’m living in the present moment. I’m waiting on the supermarket line in a different way. I’m waiting patiently for my favorite Tuesday night TV show to come on. It becomes a balancing act between learning how to wait, and not passively waiting for life to show up. Peaceful waiting means trusting that I am in the right place and that all is evolving in the universe as it was intended. So I will learn to wait, not for life to pass me by---but so that I can see life’s unfolding more clearly---more dearly.
How do you feel about this?
Marie Curie
As I age I feel I am at the same time getting better at waiting, and more impatient with it. When I barrel at high speed through my days, I’m increasingly aware that I miss the nuances of the moments that are only available when you are still.
I remember my grandmother. No matter what the occasion or who was coming to take her out, she was always ready to go an hour ahead of time. Should would sit patiently by the front door, coat on, purse held tightly on her lap---waiting. I felt uncomfortable seeing her sit there for such a long time, but it has occurred to me lately that it was a productive activity for her. That perhaps she used those quiet, unhurried moments as an opportunity to meditate, be in the moment, to experience more fully what was happening inside and around her.
Perhaps I’m becoming more like her. I’m feeling that I want more “slow time” these days, more patience, more internal peace while I wait. When I was younger, waiting was an anxious, trying to make time move faster activity. I wanted “fast time”. I couldn’t WAIT for Christmas, my birthday, to turn 12, to turn 21. I couldn’t WAIT until graduation, my baby was born, the tulips came up, until summer arrived. I couldn’t WAIT to get married, to buy a house, to receive the blouse I ordered, to see my boyfriend on Saturday night.
When I can manifest “slow time”, I know I’m living in the present moment. I’m waiting on the supermarket line in a different way. I’m waiting patiently for my favorite Tuesday night TV show to come on. It becomes a balancing act between learning how to wait, and not passively waiting for life to show up. Peaceful waiting means trusting that I am in the right place and that all is evolving in the universe as it was intended. So I will learn to wait, not for life to pass me by---but so that I can see life’s unfolding more clearly---more dearly.
How do you feel about this?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
THE DECISION
“...I want to make a terribly important point. People decide to get old. I’ve seen them do it. It’s as if they’ve said, ‘Right, that’s it, now I’m going to get old.’ Then they become old. Why they do this, I don’t know.”
---Doris Lessing
Perhaps you’ve entered a time in your life when your strength or abilities have diminished. You were active in one pursuit or another your entire life, and now you‘re not as able (or completely unable) to continue those activities. It’s probably time to find a new purpose, a new reason for living a full life, and it’s time to find new opportunities which will cause you to stretch and grow.
Where do you begin? Begin with a decision. As Doris Lessing tells us, we decide to get old. That means we’ve got some control over this passage into the next 50 years.
As for me, about six years ago I decided that I’m not aging---I’m evolving. Don’t you just love the sound of that word?! Evolving, revolving, involving, solving and resolving not to “get old”. You can evolve until you die (and maybe even beyond that! But, that’s another book).
Here’s my idea---I’ve decided to be old one day a year when I go for my physical and the doctor says, “You know, at your age....you should, etc...”. The other 364 days a year when I’m not in the doctors office, I’ll put my energy into evolving! And here’s another idea. Gather up all your health statistics (cholesterol numbers etc.) and put them in a file. You know the statistics I’m talking about---those numbers that remind you you’re aging. Then visit your statistics once a year or so (unless your health really depends on another regimen). Remember, you have a choice----you can make the decision to put meaning and excitment in your life or you can decide to be old.
---Doris Lessing
Perhaps you’ve entered a time in your life when your strength or abilities have diminished. You were active in one pursuit or another your entire life, and now you‘re not as able (or completely unable) to continue those activities. It’s probably time to find a new purpose, a new reason for living a full life, and it’s time to find new opportunities which will cause you to stretch and grow.
Where do you begin? Begin with a decision. As Doris Lessing tells us, we decide to get old. That means we’ve got some control over this passage into the next 50 years.
As for me, about six years ago I decided that I’m not aging---I’m evolving. Don’t you just love the sound of that word?! Evolving, revolving, involving, solving and resolving not to “get old”. You can evolve until you die (and maybe even beyond that! But, that’s another book).
Here’s my idea---I’ve decided to be old one day a year when I go for my physical and the doctor says, “You know, at your age....you should, etc...”. The other 364 days a year when I’m not in the doctors office, I’ll put my energy into evolving! And here’s another idea. Gather up all your health statistics (cholesterol numbers etc.) and put them in a file. You know the statistics I’m talking about---those numbers that remind you you’re aging. Then visit your statistics once a year or so (unless your health really depends on another regimen). Remember, you have a choice----you can make the decision to put meaning and excitment in your life or you can decide to be old.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
SAYING WHAT I MEAN
“Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not sooner, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!” Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift From the Sea
Gloria Steinem once said, “Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age.” and Lynne Zielinski tells us in Chocolate for a Woman’s Spirit that “...Like autumn fruit, I’ve mellowed and thrown off inhibition to say what I mean...” So has my sister, Marilyn Houston, who wrote this poem:
Cookie Cutters
Aaaah, the scene opens . . . .
whether you like it or not
rain punctuates puddles marking cadence
for a spotty spring ballet of fools
it’s a goose-step two-step,
so very tiring especially if you do it right
I’m a sun-dancer with a tie-dye mind
running from clones in Cadillacs
drones in cathedrals, perpetually
harping we’ve fallen from grace
they’re expecting the worst
and it never disappoints . . . .
so many blank faces, so little time
how can anyone deny God’s sense of humor
while under the sublime influence of Heaven
or is it advertising?
I declare war on snobbish university poets
their self-proclaimed perfectionism incensed
that we don’t follow their rules,
their pentameters, particulars and perpendiculars
ha, you can’t stop me now with your parameters,
there’s a lot more where that came from
and I’m not about to do it your way
even if your power trip
IS bigger than I am
‘cause I gotta voice
Listening to your inner voice makes it possible to start living more authentically---to speak with a true voice and from your own system of values and beliefs. Women at any age, but especially as they grow older, get to go beyond the superficial injunctions of the culture---prentending to be pleasant or acting invisible. As we age it is even more important to assert our full power in relationships and work. It’s a time when we can be more direct and more outspoken.
As writer Maxine Myers once said, “I no longer consider silence a virtue. Speaking up is OK, and speaking up louder is even better in some cases.” How do you feel about this? You gotta voice!!!
Gloria Steinem once said, “Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age.” and Lynne Zielinski tells us in Chocolate for a Woman’s Spirit that “...Like autumn fruit, I’ve mellowed and thrown off inhibition to say what I mean...” So has my sister, Marilyn Houston, who wrote this poem:
Cookie Cutters
Aaaah, the scene opens . . . .
whether you like it or not
rain punctuates puddles marking cadence
for a spotty spring ballet of fools
it’s a goose-step two-step,
so very tiring especially if you do it right
I’m a sun-dancer with a tie-dye mind
running from clones in Cadillacs
drones in cathedrals, perpetually
harping we’ve fallen from grace
they’re expecting the worst
and it never disappoints . . . .
so many blank faces, so little time
how can anyone deny God’s sense of humor
while under the sublime influence of Heaven
or is it advertising?
I declare war on snobbish university poets
their self-proclaimed perfectionism incensed
that we don’t follow their rules,
their pentameters, particulars and perpendiculars
ha, you can’t stop me now with your parameters,
there’s a lot more where that came from
and I’m not about to do it your way
even if your power trip
IS bigger than I am
‘cause I gotta voice
Listening to your inner voice makes it possible to start living more authentically---to speak with a true voice and from your own system of values and beliefs. Women at any age, but especially as they grow older, get to go beyond the superficial injunctions of the culture---prentending to be pleasant or acting invisible. As we age it is even more important to assert our full power in relationships and work. It’s a time when we can be more direct and more outspoken.
As writer Maxine Myers once said, “I no longer consider silence a virtue. Speaking up is OK, and speaking up louder is even better in some cases.” How do you feel about this? You gotta voice!!!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
AN ATTITUDE OF SOLITUDE
“There have been times...when I have longed for solitude, and it took some hard lessons for me to learn that I needed to be what I had thought was selfish; that I need to take time to myself to write, to go to the brook, to be.” Madeleine L’engle, The Irrational Season
I remember my petite 89-year old Swedish grandmother sitting in her chair doing absolutely nothing---her arthritic hands folded gracefully on her lap, her face tranquil. She didn’t look depressed or lonely but I asked if she was okay. A smile crossed her face as she told me that she was reliving an exciting, fun-filled time in her younger years. Although Grandma was mostly blind from an earlier stroke, she still lead a busy life---visiting friends, going to her senior’s club, listening to books on tape and caring for her grandchildren. Yet, she knew how to be still. She was comfortable with solitude.
I was once afraid of solitude, afraid of my internal sounds and of being by myself. At 61, I’ve found our extroverted, noisy society and its pull to constantly communicate in some way, a bit too much. I’ve come to realize that my need to pull away from the noise and the chatter is as universal at this age as the urge to connect. As I age, I find I need time to be in touch with me. Cell phones, texting, email, and twitter give us the ability to be in constant touch with each other. It’s not that these technologies are is so bad, it’s just that I need quiet time to know myself and my needs better, to sort things out, to regroup. I want to understand how I think and feel and where I want to go with my life and that’s hard to do when you let the world push in on you.
It’s okay to take a break from it all now and then. Taking time alone will serve to restore your integrity, allow you to think about your beliefs and what you value most. A self-imposed quiet can fertilize your creative side as ideas emerge long buried by the daily rush. Alone time replenishes energy so when you resume interacting with others, you do so with renewed insight and strength.
Try not to wait until you have a whole day or week free to incorporate a bit of solitude and reflection into your day . To begin with try some simple pleasures---a walk in the park on your own, sit by yourself and listen to music, sink into a warm bath, meditate for 10 minutes, pet your cat with your eyes closed. If you aren’t used to being alone, you might feel a little bored at first. Stay with it. After a few minutes you may like it! How can you create more solitude in your life?
I remember my petite 89-year old Swedish grandmother sitting in her chair doing absolutely nothing---her arthritic hands folded gracefully on her lap, her face tranquil. She didn’t look depressed or lonely but I asked if she was okay. A smile crossed her face as she told me that she was reliving an exciting, fun-filled time in her younger years. Although Grandma was mostly blind from an earlier stroke, she still lead a busy life---visiting friends, going to her senior’s club, listening to books on tape and caring for her grandchildren. Yet, she knew how to be still. She was comfortable with solitude.
I was once afraid of solitude, afraid of my internal sounds and of being by myself. At 61, I’ve found our extroverted, noisy society and its pull to constantly communicate in some way, a bit too much. I’ve come to realize that my need to pull away from the noise and the chatter is as universal at this age as the urge to connect. As I age, I find I need time to be in touch with me. Cell phones, texting, email, and twitter give us the ability to be in constant touch with each other. It’s not that these technologies are is so bad, it’s just that I need quiet time to know myself and my needs better, to sort things out, to regroup. I want to understand how I think and feel and where I want to go with my life and that’s hard to do when you let the world push in on you.
It’s okay to take a break from it all now and then. Taking time alone will serve to restore your integrity, allow you to think about your beliefs and what you value most. A self-imposed quiet can fertilize your creative side as ideas emerge long buried by the daily rush. Alone time replenishes energy so when you resume interacting with others, you do so with renewed insight and strength.
Try not to wait until you have a whole day or week free to incorporate a bit of solitude and reflection into your day . To begin with try some simple pleasures---a walk in the park on your own, sit by yourself and listen to music, sink into a warm bath, meditate for 10 minutes, pet your cat with your eyes closed. If you aren’t used to being alone, you might feel a little bored at first. Stay with it. After a few minutes you may like it! How can you create more solitude in your life?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
“It is in our later years that we are often able to give our most meaningful consideration to values, to refocusing our priorities, shifting our outlook and developing a sense of gratitude for the richness of life.”
Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler, Secrets of Becoming a Late Bloomer, Hazelden Foundation (c) 1995
Self-help gurus have lectured to us about gratitude for years now. How much more harping are we willing to endure before we take their advice to heart? They’re right, you know. Gratitude for even the smallest of things can magically shift a tough day from gray to sunny bright just like that!
Case in point: I wake up mopey, eyes crusty, hair sticking up at right angles the result of a crummy nights sleep (post-menopausal night sweats, husband snoring cat jumping on my feet, etc.). Groaning, I slither out of bed. Bare-footed and bone stiff I slog across the icy kitchen floor, reach for the coffee pot realizing as I lift it that I’d forgotten to set it up the night before. Now I must endure the noisy coffee bean grinder, put the coffee into the filter, water up to the line. Eyes glued to the machine I am waiting three weeks for the damn java to trickle down too slowly. The day is about to begin and I desperately need my sanity, my caffeine. There is no joy in my life at this moment.
Just then I remember the self-help gurus and decide to “do gratitude” while I wait. I decide, to focus on the positive like author Ruth Turk who wrote “To my amazement, I continue to find each decade of my lifetime more rewarding and exciting than the preceding ones.” (The Second Flowering, page 47, New Win Publishing, Clinton, NJ 1993) So let’s see---I’m grateful I have a husband (snoring and all), I’m grateful I have a house and warm bed to sleep in, I’m grateful for my sticky kitchen floor and I’m grateful the floor is cold because it reminds me that I’ve forgotten my slippers (which I go back to the bedroom to retrieve and which I’m very grateful I have!). I’m grateful for my coffee maker and the aroma of fresh beans. I’m thankful for the nose that enables me to smell the coffee brewing. And I am ever so grateful for the cup of coffee I am now putting to my lips as my brain begins to fill the empty space in my skull.
Got the idea? You can spend the day grousing because you forgot why you walked into the livingroom or you can be grateful for the legs that got you there.
Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler, Secrets of Becoming a Late Bloomer, Hazelden Foundation (c) 1995
Self-help gurus have lectured to us about gratitude for years now. How much more harping are we willing to endure before we take their advice to heart? They’re right, you know. Gratitude for even the smallest of things can magically shift a tough day from gray to sunny bright just like that!
Case in point: I wake up mopey, eyes crusty, hair sticking up at right angles the result of a crummy nights sleep (post-menopausal night sweats, husband snoring cat jumping on my feet, etc.). Groaning, I slither out of bed. Bare-footed and bone stiff I slog across the icy kitchen floor, reach for the coffee pot realizing as I lift it that I’d forgotten to set it up the night before. Now I must endure the noisy coffee bean grinder, put the coffee into the filter, water up to the line. Eyes glued to the machine I am waiting three weeks for the damn java to trickle down too slowly. The day is about to begin and I desperately need my sanity, my caffeine. There is no joy in my life at this moment.
Just then I remember the self-help gurus and decide to “do gratitude” while I wait. I decide, to focus on the positive like author Ruth Turk who wrote “To my amazement, I continue to find each decade of my lifetime more rewarding and exciting than the preceding ones.” (The Second Flowering, page 47, New Win Publishing, Clinton, NJ 1993) So let’s see---I’m grateful I have a husband (snoring and all), I’m grateful I have a house and warm bed to sleep in, I’m grateful for my sticky kitchen floor and I’m grateful the floor is cold because it reminds me that I’ve forgotten my slippers (which I go back to the bedroom to retrieve and which I’m very grateful I have!). I’m grateful for my coffee maker and the aroma of fresh beans. I’m thankful for the nose that enables me to smell the coffee brewing. And I am ever so grateful for the cup of coffee I am now putting to my lips as my brain begins to fill the empty space in my skull.
Got the idea? You can spend the day grousing because you forgot why you walked into the livingroom or you can be grateful for the legs that got you there.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
AGING IS ANOTHER COUNTRY
“Actually, aging, after fifty, is an exciting new period; it IS another country.” Gloria Steinem
Never before in human history have we had the real possibility of living beyond one hundred years. To be truthful, there are days when that prospect excites me and days when it scares me silly. On the positive side, is it really possible that I may have so much more time to realize a few of my dreams, finish reading all the books I bought, make new friends, have new adventures, repair screwed up relationships, and organize (once and for all) my front hall closet.
Then there are the days when the thought of 100 (or even 90) gives me the “willies”. I imagine all that sagging skin, all those dearly beloved dead friends, all those lost umbrellas and gloves, pills to take, and young know-it-all doctors to undress for, not to mention insurance forms to fill out.
I’m in a nearly constant debate with myself---do I prefer to age into decrepitude or will I give up and call the cosmic taxi for a fast ride to the other side while I still have gray matter that functions, and while I still look and feel pretty good!
Horace B. Deets, one time AARP Executive Director, tells us that it’s time we “learn how to deal with the longevity bonus productively---The new reality of aging is that we must all plan and prepare to live long, healthy and productive lives.” So perhaps we should keep our hearts and minds open to ways we can debunk the myths, fight the worn-out stereotypes---become warriors of a kind. I think about being a warrior and I want to take a nap. Then I shift to a burning curiosity that begs for an answer to the question---what will that “other country” have in store for me? And for heaven’s sake, what will my passport picture look like!?
How do you feel about this?What would you like to accomplish if you live to be 100?
Never before in human history have we had the real possibility of living beyond one hundred years. To be truthful, there are days when that prospect excites me and days when it scares me silly. On the positive side, is it really possible that I may have so much more time to realize a few of my dreams, finish reading all the books I bought, make new friends, have new adventures, repair screwed up relationships, and organize (once and for all) my front hall closet.
Then there are the days when the thought of 100 (or even 90) gives me the “willies”. I imagine all that sagging skin, all those dearly beloved dead friends, all those lost umbrellas and gloves, pills to take, and young know-it-all doctors to undress for, not to mention insurance forms to fill out.
I’m in a nearly constant debate with myself---do I prefer to age into decrepitude or will I give up and call the cosmic taxi for a fast ride to the other side while I still have gray matter that functions, and while I still look and feel pretty good!
Horace B. Deets, one time AARP Executive Director, tells us that it’s time we “learn how to deal with the longevity bonus productively---The new reality of aging is that we must all plan and prepare to live long, healthy and productive lives.” So perhaps we should keep our hearts and minds open to ways we can debunk the myths, fight the worn-out stereotypes---become warriors of a kind. I think about being a warrior and I want to take a nap. Then I shift to a burning curiosity that begs for an answer to the question---what will that “other country” have in store for me? And for heaven’s sake, what will my passport picture look like!?
How do you feel about this?What would you like to accomplish if you live to be 100?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
AGES AND STAGES
“For me, there’s something so liberating about this stage of life. It’s not that you know more, necessarily; it’s that you accept not knowing and experience a different kind of ease.” Susan Sarandon, More Magazine, February 2002
People are staying healthy and living longer and the old stages of life no longer hold. According to some scientists, a woman who reaches age 52 today and remains free of cancer can expect to live to age 92. Best-selling author Gail Sheehy tells us, “People now have three adult lives to plan for; a provisional adulthood from 18 to 30; a first adulthood from about 30 to the mid-40s and a second adulthood from about 45 into the 80s.” She says that the key to mastering this passage is to do something people generally haven’t done before which is to plan for this second adulthood.
It’s heartening to know that other women have inspiring philosophical thoughts about aging. From reading and from personal experience I’ve come to realize there is a broad range of expectation, capability, and emotional experience in aging---what is true for one woman may not be true for another. The words of the women quoted below will give you an idea of the diversity of experiences and represent some of my favorites from a variety of authors on the various ages and stages of a woman’s life.
50-60 Years Old
“Old folks today are doing more than anyone ever thought they could. Why, when we were children, folks were knocking on death’s door after turning fifty. Sixty was ancient...” Sarah L. Delany, On My Own at 107 , HarperCollins, 1997
60-70 Years Old
“Sixty years bring with them the privilege of discernment and vision: a capacity to behold, in the blink of an eye, the sweeping panorama of a life fully lived.” Cathleen Rountree, On Women Turning 60: Embracing the Age of Fulfillment, (c) 1997, Harmony Books, NY
70-80 Years Old
“...when I think that I’m seventy-eight, I think--how could that be? I just don’t feel like whatever I would have thought seventy-eight would feel like. I just feel like myself.” Betty Friedan, Life So Far, Touchstone, NY (c) 2000
80-90 Years Old
“I am more and more aware of how important the framework is, what holds life together in a workable whole as one enters real old age, as I am doing. A body without bones would be a impossible mess, so a day without a steady routine would be disruptive and chaotic.” May Sarton, At Eighty: A Journal, W.W. Norton, (c) 1996
90-100+ Years Old
“I must tell you at once that I have become over ninety in the course of writing this book, and yes, being over ninety is different....I can say with all honesty, I’d rather be a very old woman than a very young one. ” Rebecca Latimer, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety, Blue Dolphin Publishing, 1997
“Somewhere along the line I made up my mind I’m going to live, Bessie. I guess I probably don’t have that much longer on this Earth, but I may as well make the best of it.” Sarah L. Delany, On My Own at 107, page 143, HarperCollins, 1997
Which quote do you relate to or like the best?
People are staying healthy and living longer and the old stages of life no longer hold. According to some scientists, a woman who reaches age 52 today and remains free of cancer can expect to live to age 92. Best-selling author Gail Sheehy tells us, “People now have three adult lives to plan for; a provisional adulthood from 18 to 30; a first adulthood from about 30 to the mid-40s and a second adulthood from about 45 into the 80s.” She says that the key to mastering this passage is to do something people generally haven’t done before which is to plan for this second adulthood.
It’s heartening to know that other women have inspiring philosophical thoughts about aging. From reading and from personal experience I’ve come to realize there is a broad range of expectation, capability, and emotional experience in aging---what is true for one woman may not be true for another. The words of the women quoted below will give you an idea of the diversity of experiences and represent some of my favorites from a variety of authors on the various ages and stages of a woman’s life.
50-60 Years Old
“Old folks today are doing more than anyone ever thought they could. Why, when we were children, folks were knocking on death’s door after turning fifty. Sixty was ancient...” Sarah L. Delany, On My Own at 107 , HarperCollins, 1997
60-70 Years Old
“Sixty years bring with them the privilege of discernment and vision: a capacity to behold, in the blink of an eye, the sweeping panorama of a life fully lived.” Cathleen Rountree, On Women Turning 60: Embracing the Age of Fulfillment, (c) 1997, Harmony Books, NY
70-80 Years Old
“...when I think that I’m seventy-eight, I think--how could that be? I just don’t feel like whatever I would have thought seventy-eight would feel like. I just feel like myself.” Betty Friedan, Life So Far, Touchstone, NY (c) 2000
80-90 Years Old
“I am more and more aware of how important the framework is, what holds life together in a workable whole as one enters real old age, as I am doing. A body without bones would be a impossible mess, so a day without a steady routine would be disruptive and chaotic.” May Sarton, At Eighty: A Journal, W.W. Norton, (c) 1996
90-100+ Years Old
“I must tell you at once that I have become over ninety in the course of writing this book, and yes, being over ninety is different....I can say with all honesty, I’d rather be a very old woman than a very young one. ” Rebecca Latimer, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety, Blue Dolphin Publishing, 1997
“Somewhere along the line I made up my mind I’m going to live, Bessie. I guess I probably don’t have that much longer on this Earth, but I may as well make the best of it.” Sarah L. Delany, On My Own at 107, page 143, HarperCollins, 1997
Which quote do you relate to or like the best?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
AGE GRIEF
“You know what surprises me most as I
cycle through the fives stages of age grief?
How did I, a bonafide child of the 60’s,
end up sounding like my parents?”
J. Eva Nagel
Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance --- these are the identified emotional stages of grief. When it comes to applying this model to aging, I initially found that I was reluctant to believe the grief associated with aging was similar in its stages to the grief one feels around death and dying. Yet, I found myself grieving.
One day I woke up to find that my youth, reckless or not, had become middle age, that I was clearly and inevitably moving toward old age. Now that was a shock for me! Denial set in as I tried to stay up as late as I used to, and when I tried to work all day in the garden without a rest. Certainly I had always been able to push myself when it came to physical work---now I had to devote shorter blocks of time to the same activities. I didn’t stay in denial long because I was too busy being angry. Angry that it was different now. Angry that my back and legs hurt after stooping over the weed patch. Angry that I was now falling asleep during Letterman!
Bargaining? Not sure about that one. I still haven’t tried to bargain with the higher power to make me young again---or fit. No, I haven’t said, “God, if you give me the energy and looks of a 30 year old, I’ll pledge more money to charity.” I may at a later date. For now I’m working on acceptance. I am working on aging naturally, with grace and faith, with a nonattachment of sorts. I believe that reincarnation and heaven are possibilities so I'm not too concerned with death. I try to keep any negative thoughts about age to minimum. Bette Midler is one of my favorite role models so like her, I don’t take myself too seriously. My eyes are focused and wide open. I’m beyond the denial phase and on my way to full acceptance, yet still some days I still miss aspects of my younger years.
We will all mourn our youth to some degree, however if we identify where we are in the process, then allow ourselves to move through whatever phase we’re confronted with, we will undoubtedly come out the other side of age grief, energized and ready to face the future. I know I am!
cycle through the fives stages of age grief?
How did I, a bonafide child of the 60’s,
end up sounding like my parents?”
J. Eva Nagel
Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance --- these are the identified emotional stages of grief. When it comes to applying this model to aging, I initially found that I was reluctant to believe the grief associated with aging was similar in its stages to the grief one feels around death and dying. Yet, I found myself grieving.
One day I woke up to find that my youth, reckless or not, had become middle age, that I was clearly and inevitably moving toward old age. Now that was a shock for me! Denial set in as I tried to stay up as late as I used to, and when I tried to work all day in the garden without a rest. Certainly I had always been able to push myself when it came to physical work---now I had to devote shorter blocks of time to the same activities. I didn’t stay in denial long because I was too busy being angry. Angry that it was different now. Angry that my back and legs hurt after stooping over the weed patch. Angry that I was now falling asleep during Letterman!
Bargaining? Not sure about that one. I still haven’t tried to bargain with the higher power to make me young again---or fit. No, I haven’t said, “God, if you give me the energy and looks of a 30 year old, I’ll pledge more money to charity.” I may at a later date. For now I’m working on acceptance. I am working on aging naturally, with grace and faith, with a nonattachment of sorts. I believe that reincarnation and heaven are possibilities so I'm not too concerned with death. I try to keep any negative thoughts about age to minimum. Bette Midler is one of my favorite role models so like her, I don’t take myself too seriously. My eyes are focused and wide open. I’m beyond the denial phase and on my way to full acceptance, yet still some days I still miss aspects of my younger years.
We will all mourn our youth to some degree, however if we identify where we are in the process, then allow ourselves to move through whatever phase we’re confronted with, we will undoubtedly come out the other side of age grief, energized and ready to face the future. I know I am!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
A LITTLE MORE...
At age 93, poet Gladys Lawler wrote that with her years have come:
“...the fortitude that it often takes
To laugh at my own absurd mistakes.
A little more love from family and friends
And a feeling of joy that each day sends.
A little more pleasure from April sun,
More time to finish what I’ve begun.
A little more wonder at rising moon,
At morning freshness, at blazing noon.
A little more sleep and a time to dream,
To ponder on life and on things unseen.”
“...the fortitude that it often takes
To laugh at my own absurd mistakes.
A little more love from family and friends
And a feeling of joy that each day sends.
A little more pleasure from April sun,
More time to finish what I’ve begun.
A little more wonder at rising moon,
At morning freshness, at blazing noon.
A little more sleep and a time to dream,
To ponder on life and on things unseen.”
Thursday, January 28, 2010
WHEN A HUSBAND DIES
“Staring at my ceiling,
counting dreams of you at midnight...”
Marilyn Houston, poet
I haven’t written in a while because it’s been a hard time. My good friend, Suzanne, lost her husband to the horrors in Haiti. He was a kind, warm, tall 60 year old Texan who had a calling to help those in need through the United Methodist Church Board of Global Ministries. Clint Rabb spent more than 55 hours buried in the rumble until they could release him by amputating parts of both legs. He lived long enough to be airlifted to a hospital in Miami where he died with his wife close by his side. It’s left me thinking about how I would respond to such a heart wrenching personal tragedy.
In Evenings at Five, author Gail Godwin wrote, “It was so quiet after he was gone; there was no music, and that voice wasn’t there.” As I read that passage I felt a stinging sadness. Although I deeply crave solitude and quiet, the absence of sound would be the hardest part of losing my husband.
Acceptance is difficult. My client, Andrea recalled the night after her husband’s funeral. “I couldn’t sleep, so I spent half the night cleaning the kitchen. I said the word “widow” out loud to myself, tasting it’s bitter sound in my mouth. Even though I’d been preparing to say this word for the two years since his leukemia was diagnosed, it was still a challenge to say it.” Brenda, a 61 year old client told me that for the first year and a half after her husband died she couldn’t concentrate enough to read a full paragraph at one sitting. “I couldn’t focus.” she explained. “When someone you love dies a part of you dies too. It’s almost three years now, and I feel as if I am just now beginning to think.”
Grieving is the hardest work you will ever do. Even though you may spend years caring for a chronically ill husband, you may not be emotionally unequipped for his death. When the final event happens, we are rarely, if ever ready. We hope for a miracle.
About 85% of wives outlive their husbands. Although loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful life events one can experience, in the longer term, most older women find that widowhood is accompanied by a positive shift into a new life phase. They want to take back control of their lives, test out skills they learned over a lifetime, exercise new feelings of strength and self-confidence that maturity can bring. Proust once said that “Happiness is good for the body, but it is grief which develops strengths of mind.” There are literally millions of women who no longer have husbands, yet most of them eventually do quite well.
The death of your husband, as hard as it is to think about, can ultimately present an opportunity for great learning---to do things one never did before. Barbara told me, “My husband’s death was, and continues to be, the most defining moment in my life. I’m the same person I was before but now I know who I am.”
Many women begin to enjoy their single life as soon as the sharp edges of grief have worn off. 72 year old Liz related her story. “My husband died of a heart attack. We were married for 41 years and he was my first love. I’m still lonely at times, but I’ve made some new single friends which is nice. I’m starting to enjoy life again.”
There is real danger in adopting grief as a way of life. If you do, you’re still making your husband responsible for your well-being. Another danger lies in putting your deceased husband on a pedestal which makes it easy to remember only the good so that going forward, no one else can measure up. You may be using this view as an excuse to prevent yourself from renewing your life and loving another person. Not everyone who is bereaved will experience the same things. The key task is to accept the reality of the death, experience the pain of grief, adjust to life without the deceased, and memorialize the loved one in order to move on.
When Suzanne is ready to hear it, I might read her this paragraph from one of my favorite authors, Natalie Goldberg. In her book, Long Quiet Highway she wrote:
“Whether we know it or not, we transmit the presence of everyone we have ever known, as though by being in each other’s presence we exchange our cells, pass on some of our life force, and then we go on carrying that other person in our body, not unlike springtime when certain plants in fields we walk through attach their seeds in the form of small burrs to our socks, our pants, our caps...This is how we survive long after we are dead.”
The word “widow” comes from the Sanskrit meaning “empty” and there is no doubt that Suzanne, Clint’s wife, will feel empty for some time. I can only cry with her, walk with her, and comfort her the best I know how. And when she’s ready to smile, I will smile with her and encourage her to fill up on what life has yet to offer.
What are your thoughts and feelings about this?
counting dreams of you at midnight...”
Marilyn Houston, poet
I haven’t written in a while because it’s been a hard time. My good friend, Suzanne, lost her husband to the horrors in Haiti. He was a kind, warm, tall 60 year old Texan who had a calling to help those in need through the United Methodist Church Board of Global Ministries. Clint Rabb spent more than 55 hours buried in the rumble until they could release him by amputating parts of both legs. He lived long enough to be airlifted to a hospital in Miami where he died with his wife close by his side. It’s left me thinking about how I would respond to such a heart wrenching personal tragedy.
In Evenings at Five, author Gail Godwin wrote, “It was so quiet after he was gone; there was no music, and that voice wasn’t there.” As I read that passage I felt a stinging sadness. Although I deeply crave solitude and quiet, the absence of sound would be the hardest part of losing my husband.
Acceptance is difficult. My client, Andrea recalled the night after her husband’s funeral. “I couldn’t sleep, so I spent half the night cleaning the kitchen. I said the word “widow” out loud to myself, tasting it’s bitter sound in my mouth. Even though I’d been preparing to say this word for the two years since his leukemia was diagnosed, it was still a challenge to say it.” Brenda, a 61 year old client told me that for the first year and a half after her husband died she couldn’t concentrate enough to read a full paragraph at one sitting. “I couldn’t focus.” she explained. “When someone you love dies a part of you dies too. It’s almost three years now, and I feel as if I am just now beginning to think.”
Grieving is the hardest work you will ever do. Even though you may spend years caring for a chronically ill husband, you may not be emotionally unequipped for his death. When the final event happens, we are rarely, if ever ready. We hope for a miracle.
About 85% of wives outlive their husbands. Although loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful life events one can experience, in the longer term, most older women find that widowhood is accompanied by a positive shift into a new life phase. They want to take back control of their lives, test out skills they learned over a lifetime, exercise new feelings of strength and self-confidence that maturity can bring. Proust once said that “Happiness is good for the body, but it is grief which develops strengths of mind.” There are literally millions of women who no longer have husbands, yet most of them eventually do quite well.
The death of your husband, as hard as it is to think about, can ultimately present an opportunity for great learning---to do things one never did before. Barbara told me, “My husband’s death was, and continues to be, the most defining moment in my life. I’m the same person I was before but now I know who I am.”
Many women begin to enjoy their single life as soon as the sharp edges of grief have worn off. 72 year old Liz related her story. “My husband died of a heart attack. We were married for 41 years and he was my first love. I’m still lonely at times, but I’ve made some new single friends which is nice. I’m starting to enjoy life again.”
There is real danger in adopting grief as a way of life. If you do, you’re still making your husband responsible for your well-being. Another danger lies in putting your deceased husband on a pedestal which makes it easy to remember only the good so that going forward, no one else can measure up. You may be using this view as an excuse to prevent yourself from renewing your life and loving another person. Not everyone who is bereaved will experience the same things. The key task is to accept the reality of the death, experience the pain of grief, adjust to life without the deceased, and memorialize the loved one in order to move on.
When Suzanne is ready to hear it, I might read her this paragraph from one of my favorite authors, Natalie Goldberg. In her book, Long Quiet Highway she wrote:
“Whether we know it or not, we transmit the presence of everyone we have ever known, as though by being in each other’s presence we exchange our cells, pass on some of our life force, and then we go on carrying that other person in our body, not unlike springtime when certain plants in fields we walk through attach their seeds in the form of small burrs to our socks, our pants, our caps...This is how we survive long after we are dead.”
The word “widow” comes from the Sanskrit meaning “empty” and there is no doubt that Suzanne, Clint’s wife, will feel empty for some time. I can only cry with her, walk with her, and comfort her the best I know how. And when she’s ready to smile, I will smile with her and encourage her to fill up on what life has yet to offer.
What are your thoughts and feelings about this?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
ACCEPTING CHANGE
“Life is change. It will change around you if you don’t change with it.” Helen Gurley Brown at age 78
I’m more and more aware everyday that everything is in a constant state of change--our bodies, our homes, our families, our spiritual connection---the world around us. Sure we can use lots energy to fight and resist. But there is something bold and strong about surrender---about accepting that hange is inevitable. Resisting it causes our souls great sorrow and pain and as a result we risk missing out on the potential for enormous joy. Once you turn 50, there is clear evidence that your body is changing, your family and friends are changing, your strength and speed of processing are changing, and your priorities are changing. What do you do with these changes? Denial, acceptance?
As for me, if acceptance means “approval”, I say NO---I don’t approve of some of what happens as we age. If acceptance means I will work change into my life, then I say YES. If change means painful loss and disappointment, I say NO---I don’t want any of that! (and do I have a choice?) If change means growth, forward movement, and a refreshed attitude, I say YES. If acceptance means I will let myself go as I age then I say NO. Frances Weaver, author of The Girls with the Grandmother Faces (Hyperion, NY, NY, 1996). tells us it’s our attitude toward all these changes that’s most important. She says, “The sincere desire to lead a productive, interesting life at any age depends upon our own imagination and acceptance of new ideas.”
If you embrace this time of dynamic change chances are you will feel more peaceful. You have an opportunity to approach your life as an adventure. Say YES to feeling peaceful---and say YES to adventure. How do you feel about this? How is your life changing and what are you learning to accpet?
I’m more and more aware everyday that everything is in a constant state of change--our bodies, our homes, our families, our spiritual connection---the world around us. Sure we can use lots energy to fight and resist. But there is something bold and strong about surrender---about accepting that hange is inevitable. Resisting it causes our souls great sorrow and pain and as a result we risk missing out on the potential for enormous joy. Once you turn 50, there is clear evidence that your body is changing, your family and friends are changing, your strength and speed of processing are changing, and your priorities are changing. What do you do with these changes? Denial, acceptance?
As for me, if acceptance means “approval”, I say NO---I don’t approve of some of what happens as we age. If acceptance means I will work change into my life, then I say YES. If change means painful loss and disappointment, I say NO---I don’t want any of that! (and do I have a choice?) If change means growth, forward movement, and a refreshed attitude, I say YES. If acceptance means I will let myself go as I age then I say NO. Frances Weaver, author of The Girls with the Grandmother Faces (Hyperion, NY, NY, 1996). tells us it’s our attitude toward all these changes that’s most important. She says, “The sincere desire to lead a productive, interesting life at any age depends upon our own imagination and acceptance of new ideas.”
If you embrace this time of dynamic change chances are you will feel more peaceful. You have an opportunity to approach your life as an adventure. Say YES to feeling peaceful---and say YES to adventure. How do you feel about this? How is your life changing and what are you learning to accpet?
Monday, January 4, 2010
AGING CAN BE FUN?
“It really IS funny to see an adult looking all around the room for her glasses without noticing that they are on top of her head.” Helen Heightsman Gordon, Age is a Laughing Matter
Is it possible that growing older can be fun? Perhaps our negative expectations have something to do with our experiences. Since my friend, Joan, turned forty (at least 18 years ago now) she laments the aging process every chance she gets. She defines it solely as the breakdown of the body and its functions. As a result, she seems to be creating more discomfort for herself all the time---more aches, more pains, more visits to the doctor. She has been, for years, expecting life to be miserable when she came closer to 50. Joan reminds me that letters “F-U-N” are the first three letters of “funeral”!
On the other hand my over 70 friend Tita, talks of what is exciting, fulfilling and fun in her life. If she has aches (and I’m sure she does), she doesn’t focus on them. She travels, she reads, she laughs and she nurtures her relationships with her friends, her children and grandchildren
As for me---I’m looking forward to becoming more and more outrageous, aches and pains and all.. In her book, Be An Outrageous Older Woman, Ruth Harriet Jacobs says, “As I grew older, I learned that if you are outrageous enough, good things happen. You stop being invisible and become validated.” Right on, Ruth!
If I someday need to walk with a cane it won’t be an ordinary one. I’ll paint it red and white to look like a candy cane. If I must use a walker it will be equipped with a bicycle horn. Beep, beep---out of my way! If the arthritis in my hands bothers me, I’ll wear green, polka-dotted mittens in the winter. I think aging can be an outrageously creative experience if we stop focusing on the funeral and focus on the fun instead. What do you think?
Is it possible that growing older can be fun? Perhaps our negative expectations have something to do with our experiences. Since my friend, Joan, turned forty (at least 18 years ago now) she laments the aging process every chance she gets. She defines it solely as the breakdown of the body and its functions. As a result, she seems to be creating more discomfort for herself all the time---more aches, more pains, more visits to the doctor. She has been, for years, expecting life to be miserable when she came closer to 50. Joan reminds me that letters “F-U-N” are the first three letters of “funeral”!
On the other hand my over 70 friend Tita, talks of what is exciting, fulfilling and fun in her life. If she has aches (and I’m sure she does), she doesn’t focus on them. She travels, she reads, she laughs and she nurtures her relationships with her friends, her children and grandchildren
As for me---I’m looking forward to becoming more and more outrageous, aches and pains and all.. In her book, Be An Outrageous Older Woman, Ruth Harriet Jacobs says, “As I grew older, I learned that if you are outrageous enough, good things happen. You stop being invisible and become validated.” Right on, Ruth!
If I someday need to walk with a cane it won’t be an ordinary one. I’ll paint it red and white to look like a candy cane. If I must use a walker it will be equipped with a bicycle horn. Beep, beep---out of my way! If the arthritis in my hands bothers me, I’ll wear green, polka-dotted mittens in the winter. I think aging can be an outrageously creative experience if we stop focusing on the funeral and focus on the fun instead. What do you think?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
CHANGING TEMPO
“I’m...trying to do too much...I used to be able, as most women are, to do four or five things at once. Do the juggling act. Now, if I can keep one plate in the air, that’s good.” Ursula K. Le Guin as quoted in On Women Turning 60 by Cathleen Rountree
My over 60 year old friend, Anne wonders why she’s tired. As an alcohol abuse counselor, she sees 4 or 5 clients a day, attends training lectures and presents at some of them, keeps her own home and has a wide circle of friends that she has a hard time saying “no” to. She’s tired because she hasn’t learned the fine of art of pacing herself---of dancing to a slower (no less productive) tempo.
Each week we have 168 hours, 10,080 minutes...to work, play and sleep. More than likely, you spend the better part of those 168 hours trying to get too much done---rushing, dashing, scurrying. In the mid-twentieth century, futurists predicted that computers and other labor-saving devices would free up time and transform America into the most leisurely society in history---exactly the opposite happened.
In this age of rapidly expanding technology and consumerism how can one fashion a simple, slower paced life? If you buzz from one chore to the next, from one activity to the next, how can you enjoy your world? For instance, I try not to concern my self with slow moving traffic or traffic jams. I see an opportunity each time to see the world a little more clearly. I consider this my private time to enjoy the quietness of just being, of stopping to look and to feel and to think---and to indulge myself in a changing tempo.
The rule that we must be accomplishing something all the time is broadcast so efficiently and so early in this society that we internalize it. We struggle with a seditious inner voice that says, “You’re wasting time. Get up and do something with your life.” Life is going so fast all around us. We’re expected (or maybe we expect ourselves) to respond to it in the same way we did when were 20. Does age oblige one to keep up with the latest in technological advances in the culture---internet shopping, online services, etc. -- in order not to be out of step? Or, does one have the privilege by virtue of age of opting out or being selective in one’s adoption of this new way of existing? Personally, I prefer pen and paper for personal notes and meandering slowly through a gift shop as opposed to clicking my way around the internet.
Author, Mary C. Morrison (Let Evening Come) believes as children leave home, friends move away and companions die, that we have an opportunity to move into a “discovery-filled solitude” and that we can discover there what our own tempo of living is. Now that my children are out in the world, I’m experiencing this tempo change in my own life. I must admit, I like the new pace. How do you feel about the idea of changing tempo?
My over 60 year old friend, Anne wonders why she’s tired. As an alcohol abuse counselor, she sees 4 or 5 clients a day, attends training lectures and presents at some of them, keeps her own home and has a wide circle of friends that she has a hard time saying “no” to. She’s tired because she hasn’t learned the fine of art of pacing herself---of dancing to a slower (no less productive) tempo.
Each week we have 168 hours, 10,080 minutes...to work, play and sleep. More than likely, you spend the better part of those 168 hours trying to get too much done---rushing, dashing, scurrying. In the mid-twentieth century, futurists predicted that computers and other labor-saving devices would free up time and transform America into the most leisurely society in history---exactly the opposite happened.
In this age of rapidly expanding technology and consumerism how can one fashion a simple, slower paced life? If you buzz from one chore to the next, from one activity to the next, how can you enjoy your world? For instance, I try not to concern my self with slow moving traffic or traffic jams. I see an opportunity each time to see the world a little more clearly. I consider this my private time to enjoy the quietness of just being, of stopping to look and to feel and to think---and to indulge myself in a changing tempo.
The rule that we must be accomplishing something all the time is broadcast so efficiently and so early in this society that we internalize it. We struggle with a seditious inner voice that says, “You’re wasting time. Get up and do something with your life.” Life is going so fast all around us. We’re expected (or maybe we expect ourselves) to respond to it in the same way we did when were 20. Does age oblige one to keep up with the latest in technological advances in the culture---internet shopping, online services, etc. -- in order not to be out of step? Or, does one have the privilege by virtue of age of opting out or being selective in one’s adoption of this new way of existing? Personally, I prefer pen and paper for personal notes and meandering slowly through a gift shop as opposed to clicking my way around the internet.
Author, Mary C. Morrison (Let Evening Come) believes as children leave home, friends move away and companions die, that we have an opportunity to move into a “discovery-filled solitude” and that we can discover there what our own tempo of living is. Now that my children are out in the world, I’m experiencing this tempo change in my own life. I must admit, I like the new pace. How do you feel about the idea of changing tempo?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
LIVING IN THE PRESENT
“Mid-life is a kind of Janus point in the living of our days...It is a time to reflect and digest, to learn and unlearn, and choose a course for the days to come.” Sarah Smith, Mid-Life: Coming Home, Ragged Edge Press (c) 1999
How often do you find yourself thinking about some event that might happen in the future which causes you to feel anxious and uncomfortable? Doesn’t that kind of fretting keep you from enjoying what’s available to you in the present? Sure, we have to make plans for our financial and health care needs and things of that nature. But once the plans are in place, it’s important to be mindful of how you torture yourself out of the present and the beauty it brings.
I find myself thinking about how I will be as a very old woman and some of what I envision worries me. I wonder how I’ll manage if I’m infirm or unable to walk or see well. In those moments, I work at bringing myself back to the present---which is all we are assured of anyway! I keep reminding myself that every moment stands alone, a presence in its own right, a singular visitation which doesn’t include the future.
Of course we’re getting older every day but we need something else to think about besides long term care insurance and worrying about what our kids are doing when we’re home sitting by ourselves. In Sue Bender’s wonderful book, Everyday Sacred: A Woman’s Journey Home she says that “...the challenge is to find even ten minutes when the world stops and for that moment, there is nothing else. How can we bring that quality to what time we have---making that limited time sacred?”
Now take a moment---right now. As you read this, are you sitting in a chair, or on a train, or flying in a plane? Are you comfortable? Does the chair feel soft or hard? What do you see around the room? Are you in lovely location? On a beach or a porch? Are you fortunate enough to have a roof overhead and your own cozy bed to sleep in? Pay close attention to the small, the beautiful, the meaningful---live in the present moment---for today, for ten minutes, for an hour. It feels good, doesn’t it? Ask youreself, what have you been overlooking in the present because you’ve been too worried about the future?
How often do you find yourself thinking about some event that might happen in the future which causes you to feel anxious and uncomfortable? Doesn’t that kind of fretting keep you from enjoying what’s available to you in the present? Sure, we have to make plans for our financial and health care needs and things of that nature. But once the plans are in place, it’s important to be mindful of how you torture yourself out of the present and the beauty it brings.
I find myself thinking about how I will be as a very old woman and some of what I envision worries me. I wonder how I’ll manage if I’m infirm or unable to walk or see well. In those moments, I work at bringing myself back to the present---which is all we are assured of anyway! I keep reminding myself that every moment stands alone, a presence in its own right, a singular visitation which doesn’t include the future.
Of course we’re getting older every day but we need something else to think about besides long term care insurance and worrying about what our kids are doing when we’re home sitting by ourselves. In Sue Bender’s wonderful book, Everyday Sacred: A Woman’s Journey Home she says that “...the challenge is to find even ten minutes when the world stops and for that moment, there is nothing else. How can we bring that quality to what time we have---making that limited time sacred?”
Now take a moment---right now. As you read this, are you sitting in a chair, or on a train, or flying in a plane? Are you comfortable? Does the chair feel soft or hard? What do you see around the room? Are you in lovely location? On a beach or a porch? Are you fortunate enough to have a roof overhead and your own cozy bed to sleep in? Pay close attention to the small, the beautiful, the meaningful---live in the present moment---for today, for ten minutes, for an hour. It feels good, doesn’t it? Ask youreself, what have you been overlooking in the present because you’ve been too worried about the future?
Friday, January 1, 2010
MYTHS TO NOT LIVE BY
“Of all the self-fulfilling prophecies in our culture, the assumption that aging means decline and poor health is probably the deadliest.”
Marilyn Ferguson, Philosopher & Writer
Myth: Old women are depressed and lonely.
Truth: Women may get depressed and lonely from time to time, but reliable research shows that the least lonely and depressed women are over seventy-five!
Myth: You become less of a woman as you age.
Truth: Some of the best and brightest women, though past the half-century mark in years, are still climbing the ladder of success in the world.
Myth: Old women have more stress in their lives.
Truth: According to psychologists, older people in general have more stress-free days than younger ones. That’s one of the benefits of aging. The older you get you kind of realize that ‘hey, it’s not worth getting upset about the small things.
Myth: Growing older is synonymous with nothing but the loss of vitality and illness.
Truth: Research, and older women themselves, are demonstrating that one’s later years can be the richest ever in wisdom and spirituality.
Myth: If you are older and reminiscing about the past, or are becoming garrulous about the past, you are exhibiting signs of beginning senility.
Truth: These recollections are natural and appropriate, and their purpose is to resolve some of the conflicts of one’s life and to do a meaningful life review..
Myth: It’s normal to feel useless and sad in old age.
Truth: Millions of older women suffer from depression that can destroy their independence, cause emotional torment and lead to physical deterioration, but this condition isn’t normal and can be successfully prevented and treated.
Myth: The older you get, the faster time passes.
Truth: Mathematically, those proverbial endless summers of your childhood were not even one minute longer than last summer. What’s different now is how you spend your summer---simply put, you have more routines now and routines lend uniformity, which makes it very easy to be oblivious to time passing.
Myth: Everyone wants to, and should be, willing to hear our wisdom and opinions because we are older.
Truth: Even though we’re older and wiser, we don’t necessarily know everything or have all the answers.
Myth: Creativity is only for the gifted few and our talents dim with age.
Truth: Creativity is not just for geniuses. It is the energy that allows us to think a different thought, express ourselves in unique ways, it enables us to view life as an opportunity for exploration and it knows no age.
Marilyn Ferguson, Philosopher & Writer
Myth: Old women are depressed and lonely.
Truth: Women may get depressed and lonely from time to time, but reliable research shows that the least lonely and depressed women are over seventy-five!
Myth: You become less of a woman as you age.
Truth: Some of the best and brightest women, though past the half-century mark in years, are still climbing the ladder of success in the world.
Myth: Old women have more stress in their lives.
Truth: According to psychologists, older people in general have more stress-free days than younger ones. That’s one of the benefits of aging. The older you get you kind of realize that ‘hey, it’s not worth getting upset about the small things.
Myth: Growing older is synonymous with nothing but the loss of vitality and illness.
Truth: Research, and older women themselves, are demonstrating that one’s later years can be the richest ever in wisdom and spirituality.
Myth: If you are older and reminiscing about the past, or are becoming garrulous about the past, you are exhibiting signs of beginning senility.
Truth: These recollections are natural and appropriate, and their purpose is to resolve some of the conflicts of one’s life and to do a meaningful life review..
Myth: It’s normal to feel useless and sad in old age.
Truth: Millions of older women suffer from depression that can destroy their independence, cause emotional torment and lead to physical deterioration, but this condition isn’t normal and can be successfully prevented and treated.
Myth: The older you get, the faster time passes.
Truth: Mathematically, those proverbial endless summers of your childhood were not even one minute longer than last summer. What’s different now is how you spend your summer---simply put, you have more routines now and routines lend uniformity, which makes it very easy to be oblivious to time passing.
Myth: Everyone wants to, and should be, willing to hear our wisdom and opinions because we are older.
Truth: Even though we’re older and wiser, we don’t necessarily know everything or have all the answers.
Myth: Creativity is only for the gifted few and our talents dim with age.
Truth: Creativity is not just for geniuses. It is the energy that allows us to think a different thought, express ourselves in unique ways, it enables us to view life as an opportunity for exploration and it knows no age.
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