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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

AGING IS ANOTHER COUNTRY

“Actually, aging, after fifty, is an exciting new period; it IS another country.” Gloria Steinem

Never before in human history have we had the real possibility of living beyond one hundred years. To be truthful, there are days when that prospect excites me and days when it scares me silly. On the positive side, is it really possible that I may have so much more time to realize a few of my dreams, finish reading all the books I bought, make new friends, have new adventures, repair screwed up relationships, and organize (once and for all) my front hall closet.

Then there are the days when the thought of 100 (or even 90) gives me the “willies”. I imagine all that sagging skin, all those dearly beloved dead friends, all those lost umbrellas and gloves, pills to take, and young know-it-all doctors to undress for, not to mention insurance forms to fill out.

I’m in a nearly constant debate with myself---do I prefer to age into decrepitude or will I give up and call the cosmic taxi for a fast ride to the other side while I still have gray matter that functions, and while I still look and feel pretty good!

Horace B. Deets, one time AARP Executive Director, tells us that it’s time we “learn how to deal with the longevity bonus productively---The new reality of aging is that we must all plan and prepare to live long, healthy and productive lives.” So perhaps we should keep our hearts and minds open to ways we can debunk the myths, fight the worn-out stereotypes---become warriors of a kind. I think about being a warrior and I want to take a nap. Then I shift to a burning curiosity that begs for an answer to the question---what will that “other country” have in store for me? And for heaven’s sake, what will my passport picture look like!?

How do you feel about this?What would you like to accomplish if you live to be 100?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

AGES AND STAGES

“For me, there’s something so liberating about this stage of life. It’s not that you know more, necessarily; it’s that you accept not knowing and experience a different kind of ease.” Susan Sarandon, More Magazine, February 2002

People are staying healthy and living longer and the old stages of life no longer hold. According to some scientists, a woman who reaches age 52 today and remains free of cancer can expect to live to age 92. Best-selling author Gail Sheehy tells us, “People now have three adult lives to plan for; a provisional adulthood from 18 to 30; a first adulthood from about 30 to the mid-40s and a second adulthood from about 45 into the 80s.” She says that the key to mastering this passage is to do something people generally haven’t done before which is to plan for this second adulthood.

It’s heartening to know that other women have inspiring philosophical thoughts about aging. From reading and from personal experience I’ve come to realize there is a broad range of expectation, capability, and emotional experience in aging---what is true for one woman may not be true for another. The words of the women quoted below will give you an idea of the diversity of experiences and represent some of my favorites from a variety of authors on the various ages and stages of a woman’s life.

50-60 Years Old
“Old folks today are doing more than anyone ever thought they could. Why, when we were children, folks were knocking on death’s door after turning fifty. Sixty was ancient...” Sarah L. Delany, On My Own at 107 , HarperCollins, 1997

60-70 Years Old
“Sixty years bring with them the privilege of discernment and vision: a capacity to behold, in the blink of an eye, the sweeping panorama of a life fully lived.” Cathleen Rountree, On Women Turning 60: Embracing the Age of Fulfillment, (c) 1997, Harmony Books, NY

70-80 Years Old
“...when I think that I’m seventy-eight, I think--how could that be? I just don’t feel like whatever I would have thought seventy-eight would feel like. I just feel like myself.” Betty Friedan, Life So Far, Touchstone, NY (c) 2000

80-90 Years Old
“I am more and more aware of how important the framework is, what holds life together in a workable whole as one enters real old age, as I am doing. A body without bones would be a impossible mess, so a day without a steady routine would be disruptive and chaotic.” May Sarton, At Eighty: A Journal, W.W. Norton, (c) 1996

90-100+ Years Old
“I must tell you at once that I have become over ninety in the course of writing this book, and yes, being over ninety is different....I can say with all honesty, I’d rather be a very old woman than a very young one. ” Rebecca Latimer, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety, Blue Dolphin Publishing, 1997

“Somewhere along the line I made up my mind I’m going to live, Bessie. I guess I probably don’t have that much longer on this Earth, but I may as well make the best of it.” Sarah L. Delany, On My Own at 107, page 143, HarperCollins, 1997

Which quote do you relate to or like the best?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

AGE GRIEF

“You know what surprises me most as I 
cycle through the fives stages of age grief?
How did I, a bonafide child of the 60’s,
end up sounding like my parents?”
J. Eva Nagel


Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance --- these are the identified emotional stages of grief. When it comes to applying this model to aging, I initially found that I was reluctant to believe the grief associated with aging was similar in its stages to the grief one feels around death and dying. Yet, I found myself grieving.

One day I woke up to find that my youth, reckless or not, had become middle age, that I was clearly and inevitably moving toward old age. Now that was a shock for me! Denial set in as I tried to stay up as late as I used to, and when I tried to work all day in the garden without a rest. Certainly I had always been able to push myself when it came to physical work---now I had to devote shorter blocks of time to the same activities. I didn’t stay in denial long because I was too busy being angry. Angry that it was different now. Angry that my back and legs hurt after stooping over the weed patch. Angry that I was now falling asleep during Letterman!

Bargaining? Not sure about that one. I still haven’t tried to bargain with the higher power to make me young again---or fit. No, I haven’t said, “God, if you give me the energy and looks of a 30 year old, I’ll pledge more money to charity.” I may at a later date. For now I’m working on acceptance. I am working on aging naturally, with grace and faith, with a nonattachment of sorts. I believe that reincarnation and heaven are possibilities so I'm not too concerned with death. I try to keep any negative thoughts about age to minimum. Bette Midler is one of my favorite role models so like her, I don’t take myself too seriously. My eyes are focused and wide open. I’m beyond the denial phase and on my way to full acceptance, yet still some days I still miss aspects of my younger years.

We will all mourn our youth to some degree, however if we identify where we are in the process, then allow ourselves to move through whatever phase we’re confronted with, we will undoubtedly come out the other side of age grief, energized and ready to face the future. I know I am!