Sometimes I look in the mirror expecting to see the body, the face of my youth because I remember her. She’s still in me.” Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart
Sometime after turning 55 I remember waking up one morning to the birds singing outside my window and the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. I believed it was going to be a perfect day until I struggled to my feet, hand on my back and hobbled past the full length mirror on the bedroom door. Eyes still blurry from sleep, I leaned toward the mirror and thought, “Who is that old woman? Am I still in there?” I wondered. (At 61, I don’t wonder any more.)
Then, even before I had my coffee, I remembered something else that made me want to go back to bed. In doing the research for this book I had read that after 50, our tissues start drying out! One reason weight actually drops after 55! (I’m still waiting for that to happen!) And of all things, they tell us that around 65 our noses and ear lobes elongate! Oh my. Floppy ear lobes and long noses! However, our biological clocks tick at wildly different rates and no two women will age in exactly the same way. So, while some of you are drying out and losing weight at age 55, others of you may not experience nose droop until you’re 80!
Not wanting to deal with all this information on my own, I poured myself a cup of coffee and called my friend Deb for some consolation. She listened while I moaned and groaned about my inevitable decline with age and she jokingly replied, “let’s just kill ourselves and be done with it!” That’s one way to end your concern and I don’t recommend it. I think it’s important to have a more upbeat approach, don’t you? So, I’m considering this---when my ears are longer, my dangle earings will swing better and if my nose gets longer at least it will be drier and I won’t have to stoop as far to smell the flowers!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
DO I LOOK LIKE A GRANDMA?
There are more grandmothers alive today than at any other time in the history of the world. However, today’s grandmothers don’t look like grandmothers.Lois Wyse, Funny, You Don’t Look Like a Grandmother, Crown Publishers, 1989
And what is a grandmother supposed to look like? Mine looked sweet and had small, strong arthritic hands. Her skin was transparent and loose crepe paper skin decorated her outstretched arms. Her eyes twinkled like Mrs. Santa Claus and when she got mad her face reddened, her high-pitched voice poised to cut you in half. After the scolding she would give you a big hug. Sunday mornings, wrapped in a flower-printed, handmade apron, she’d produce stacks of thin, buttery Swedish pancakes. She cooked everything in butter and didn’t weigh more than three bags of groceries. Did she look like a grandma? You bet. And, more than that, she acted like one.
Grandma was the one you could go to with the stuff you didn’t want to share with your mother. She wasn’t as judgmental. She played cards with us, and Parchessi and Chinese Checkers. She taught me how to sew with a thimble, how to knit a scarf and crochet the edge on a pillowcase. I’ve got five grandchildren. Do I look like a grandmother? I would like to think not---yet, what am I so worried about. I sure would like to be more of a grandmother---not as concerned about every little wrinkle, ache and pain. I’d like to be more concerned with being the one the kids come to with their problems. I’d like to worry less about my post-menopausal weight gain and double chin and be more available to play Gin Rummy or X-box. I’d like to be less concerned with how much my skin is sagging and focus more on giving the best hugs in the world.
Speaking of grandma, I heard her voice in my head this morning. “Why don’t they make things the way they used to?” she said. “The size of my foundation makeup keeps getting smaller.” On a positive note, as I was brushing my teeth, she went on to say, “My, aren’t you lucky to still have most of your teeth!”
Monday, May 17, 2010
CAREGIVING A LOVED ONE
After my husband’s heart attack I was coping, but then I felt overwhelmed by strong feelings of grief. My husband was alive, so how come I was feeling such grief and loss? The answer is, our life together had changed forever.Susan, Age 64
Like Susan who wrote the quote above, I’m feeling grief and loss today. My husband of 25 years has needed a hip replacement for a while and he’s been unable to do many of things we used to do; walks in the woods, leisurely shopping trips; long car rides. While awaiting his scheduled hip surgery, he recently fell down our split level stairs as a result of his weakened right side and broke his ankle in two places. So now the hip surgery must wait for the broken ankle to set! In the meantime, he’s on crutches and I’m waiting on him and trying to make the best of it. I find my patience wearing thin and some significant sadness regarding our reduced lifestyle.
Older couples who have successfully negotiated the early stages of retirement may find themselves facing crises when illness or injury upsets the long-time balance of roles and responsibilities in their relationship. We mourn our old innocent ways...and our lost certainties. We face changes in lifestyle, financial security, retirement and our spouses’ physical capabilities. Perhaps, over the years you developed a certain sense of security and now the rules have changed. The upside is that a brush with mortality can reorder a couple’s priorities for the better. A health crisis
can pull some couples apart, intensifying existing conflicts. For others, the crisis provides an opportunity for enriching the relationship.
Millions of older American women are caring for a chronically ill husband or partner. This stressful endeavor can be hazardous to the caregiver’s health, especially in cases where the chronic disease is severe. Some caregivers begin to neglect themselves and unknowingly create stress-induced health issues. To maintain your role as a functional caretaker, you must pay attention to your own needs. I make an annoucement to my injured husband at least once a day that sounds like this: “Honey, it’s my turn now. I need at least one hour to take care of myself. Can I do anything for you before I go (downstairs, shopping, into the bathtub, etc.).”
Taking care of yourself helps you come to terms with this life changing crisis. Take charge of your life and don’t let your loved one’s illness or disability always take center stage. Honor yourself---you’re doing a very hard job and you deserve some quality time, just for you. When someone offers to lend a hand, accept their offer. Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition, promote your loved one’s independence, grieve your losses and allow yourself to dream new dreams.
There is great strength in knowing you are not alone so seek support from other caregivers. Check with your local hospital to see if they have caregiver support groups. You will also feel less fearful if you can involve the whole family. At weekly problem solving meetings, ask each person to describe his greatest concerns. Then discuss them. If your children are grown and living elsewhere, performing this exercise even once during a visit can break the tension and be extremely helpful.
If you are grieving over the loss of your former life with your husband or partner, honest discussion of the changes in your relationship can ease the pain. Remember that you and your loved one’s combined grief is both a process that make take some time, and an opportunity for deepening your relationship.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
BECOMING INVISIBLE
“Many women approaching 50 don’t feel glamorous; they feel invisible...I think they mean sexually invisible, but if they send out the right vibes, they won’t be... “ Judith Krantz
In the quote above, Judith Krantz brings up a good point---what kind of vibes are you sending out? I remember the first time I heard the “invisibility” indictment. I was sitting with a client who was 15 years older than me at the time (which made her about 55---seven years younger than I am today). She had just gone through the healing process from a difficult divorce and was ready to start dating for the first time in 30 years. She was feeling invisible and unnoticed at social events even when she was dressed well and coifed to the nines. I recall thinking to myself that will never happen to me---I would never feel that way!
Yet sometime in my late forties, I began to feel the invisibility I was so sure I would never experience. It was upsetting at the time. My self-esteem began to plummet and I was starting to feel less sexy and desirable. At the same time, I began to develop a sense of relief from the pressure to be young and look fabulous at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up on myself, I still take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress well. But as I said, the pressure is less and that’s a relief. Author, Mary McDonnell, (Still Dancing: Life Choices & Challenges for Women, Harbinger House, Inc., 1990) reminds us that “Growing older is not a reason to develop low self-esteem. Many women find new confidence and self-assurance after fifty.”
That’s what I’ve decided is worth working on---a new confidence and self-assurance. At fifty I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds. I also had my “colors done” and a makeup consultation that helped me feel better about how I look. At 61, am I still feeling invisible? Maybe a little, but more importantly I’m not invisible to me. I matter, and I am clearly here, on solid ground feeling confident and in tune with my body.
You will undoubtedly develop extremely low self esteem if most of your life you relied on your looks to give you a sense of value. If you think that’s the only way you are seen, then be prepared to become invisible and stay that way! In her book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson said “...as we age, gorgeous young hunks may or may not be interested in us any more. For that matter, men our own age and older might not be interested anymore.
My response
to that is ‘so what?’”
The goal is to arrive at the point where you’re comfortable with who you are and as invisible as you choose to be!
In the quote above, Judith Krantz brings up a good point---what kind of vibes are you sending out? I remember the first time I heard the “invisibility” indictment. I was sitting with a client who was 15 years older than me at the time (which made her about 55---seven years younger than I am today). She had just gone through the healing process from a difficult divorce and was ready to start dating for the first time in 30 years. She was feeling invisible and unnoticed at social events even when she was dressed well and coifed to the nines. I recall thinking to myself that will never happen to me---I would never feel that way!
Yet sometime in my late forties, I began to feel the invisibility I was so sure I would never experience. It was upsetting at the time. My self-esteem began to plummet and I was starting to feel less sexy and desirable. At the same time, I began to develop a sense of relief from the pressure to be young and look fabulous at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up on myself, I still take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress well. But as I said, the pressure is less and that’s a relief. Author, Mary McDonnell, (Still Dancing: Life Choices & Challenges for Women, Harbinger House, Inc., 1990) reminds us that “Growing older is not a reason to develop low self-esteem. Many women find new confidence and self-assurance after fifty.”
That’s what I’ve decided is worth working on---a new confidence and self-assurance. At fifty I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds. I also had my “colors done” and a makeup consultation that helped me feel better about how I look. At 61, am I still feeling invisible? Maybe a little, but more importantly I’m not invisible to me. I matter, and I am clearly here, on solid ground feeling confident and in tune with my body.
You will undoubtedly develop extremely low self esteem if most of your life you relied on your looks to give you a sense of value. If you think that’s the only way you are seen, then be prepared to become invisible and stay that way! In her book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson said “...as we age, gorgeous young hunks may or may not be interested in us any more. For that matter, men our own age and older might not be interested anymore.
My response
to that is ‘so what?’”
The goal is to arrive at the point where you’re comfortable with who you are and as invisible as you choose to be!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
OUR SELF IMAGE
“Most important, I will learn that being old is a badge of honor, not a reason to hide in shame. I will refuse to be invisible!” Finy Hansen, New Age Magazine, November/December 2001
For many women, self image and self esteem, begins to decline with age. They feel invisible. They feel young on the inside but not in their outward appearance. They find it takes a lot more effort to maintain their looks and their bodies.
With so much emphasis placed on appearance by our society, the scariest part of aging for many women is that they now have to rely on who they are rather than on what they look like. I had to ask myself am I so attached to my younger looks that I’ve misplaced who I really am at 61? When I was in my fifties I began to feel estranged from my body and the weight gain I experienced after menopause was literally weighing me down.
As far back as I could remember, I’d been able to eat whatever I liked without gaining much weight. I’d burn it off running errands and chasing children. Imagine my amazement when this metabolic miracle ended just as I was on the cusp of 50. I had not changed my eating habits one iota, yet suddenly I was gaining and gaining until I discovered I was 40 pounds overweight! I tried on everything in my closet and donated anything without a stretchy waste band. I didn’t even try on the tailored jackets and pants I knew I wouldn’t be able to button.
At one point I told myself I wanted to be like Ruth Harriet Jacobs, author of Be An Outrageous Older Woman who writes, “I am a woman of size but refuse to hide in black or navy blue. I wear bright colors and wild styles rather than apologizing for age or taking up sizable space in the world.” But, I’m not as brave as Ruth yet.
Where do I fit now? Some of the older women in my neighborhood have white hair, some are arthritic and stooped, some look like they’ve given up. Sometimes we smile at each other. But I wonder, if they consider me one of their own? Sometimes I feel like an impostor and part of me wants to deny kinship with these older women. I want to be in the club, but I want to look good---feel good---project health.
Should we totally ignore the image we project? Of course not---but as older women it’s important to remember that we are also much more than our image. There are two authors that I particularly admire for their insight and wisdom on this topic: In Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “Love how you look, smell and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance of your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you’ve done.”
And Elizabeth Cady Stanton who said, .”Be kind, noble, generous, well-mannered, be true to yourselves and your friends, and the soft lines of these tender graces and noble virtues will reveal themselves in the face...in a personal atmosphere of goodness and greatness that none can mistake...We cannot be one thing and look another...There are indelible marks in every face showing the real life within.”
Take time to explore the key issues of redefining your older self image. Ask yourself---what constitutes a healthy self image?
For many women, self image and self esteem, begins to decline with age. They feel invisible. They feel young on the inside but not in their outward appearance. They find it takes a lot more effort to maintain their looks and their bodies.
With so much emphasis placed on appearance by our society, the scariest part of aging for many women is that they now have to rely on who they are rather than on what they look like. I had to ask myself am I so attached to my younger looks that I’ve misplaced who I really am at 61? When I was in my fifties I began to feel estranged from my body and the weight gain I experienced after menopause was literally weighing me down.
As far back as I could remember, I’d been able to eat whatever I liked without gaining much weight. I’d burn it off running errands and chasing children. Imagine my amazement when this metabolic miracle ended just as I was on the cusp of 50. I had not changed my eating habits one iota, yet suddenly I was gaining and gaining until I discovered I was 40 pounds overweight! I tried on everything in my closet and donated anything without a stretchy waste band. I didn’t even try on the tailored jackets and pants I knew I wouldn’t be able to button.
At one point I told myself I wanted to be like Ruth Harriet Jacobs, author of Be An Outrageous Older Woman who writes, “I am a woman of size but refuse to hide in black or navy blue. I wear bright colors and wild styles rather than apologizing for age or taking up sizable space in the world.” But, I’m not as brave as Ruth yet.
Where do I fit now? Some of the older women in my neighborhood have white hair, some are arthritic and stooped, some look like they’ve given up. Sometimes we smile at each other. But I wonder, if they consider me one of their own? Sometimes I feel like an impostor and part of me wants to deny kinship with these older women. I want to be in the club, but I want to look good---feel good---project health.
Should we totally ignore the image we project? Of course not---but as older women it’s important to remember that we are also much more than our image. There are two authors that I particularly admire for their insight and wisdom on this topic: In Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “Love how you look, smell and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance of your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you’ve done.”
And Elizabeth Cady Stanton who said, .”Be kind, noble, generous, well-mannered, be true to yourselves and your friends, and the soft lines of these tender graces and noble virtues will reveal themselves in the face...in a personal atmosphere of goodness and greatness that none can mistake...We cannot be one thing and look another...There are indelible marks in every face showing the real life within.”
Take time to explore the key issues of redefining your older self image. Ask yourself---what constitutes a healthy self image?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
WAITING
“The older one gets the more one feels that the present must be enjoyed; it is a precious gift, comparable to a state of grace.”
Marie Curie
As I age I feel I am at the same time getting better at waiting, and more impatient with it. When I barrel at high speed through my days, I’m increasingly aware that I miss the nuances of the moments that are only available when you are still.
I remember my grandmother. No matter what the occasion or who was coming to take her out, she was always ready to go an hour ahead of time. Should would sit patiently by the front door, coat on, purse held tightly on her lap---waiting. I felt uncomfortable seeing her sit there for such a long time, but it has occurred to me lately that it was a productive activity for her. That perhaps she used those quiet, unhurried moments as an opportunity to meditate, be in the moment, to experience more fully what was happening inside and around her.
Perhaps I’m becoming more like her. I’m feeling that I want more “slow time” these days, more patience, more internal peace while I wait. When I was younger, waiting was an anxious, trying to make time move faster activity. I wanted “fast time”. I couldn’t WAIT for Christmas, my birthday, to turn 12, to turn 21. I couldn’t WAIT until graduation, my baby was born, the tulips came up, until summer arrived. I couldn’t WAIT to get married, to buy a house, to receive the blouse I ordered, to see my boyfriend on Saturday night.
When I can manifest “slow time”, I know I’m living in the present moment. I’m waiting on the supermarket line in a different way. I’m waiting patiently for my favorite Tuesday night TV show to come on. It becomes a balancing act between learning how to wait, and not passively waiting for life to show up. Peaceful waiting means trusting that I am in the right place and that all is evolving in the universe as it was intended. So I will learn to wait, not for life to pass me by---but so that I can see life’s unfolding more clearly---more dearly.
How do you feel about this?
Marie Curie
As I age I feel I am at the same time getting better at waiting, and more impatient with it. When I barrel at high speed through my days, I’m increasingly aware that I miss the nuances of the moments that are only available when you are still.
I remember my grandmother. No matter what the occasion or who was coming to take her out, she was always ready to go an hour ahead of time. Should would sit patiently by the front door, coat on, purse held tightly on her lap---waiting. I felt uncomfortable seeing her sit there for such a long time, but it has occurred to me lately that it was a productive activity for her. That perhaps she used those quiet, unhurried moments as an opportunity to meditate, be in the moment, to experience more fully what was happening inside and around her.
Perhaps I’m becoming more like her. I’m feeling that I want more “slow time” these days, more patience, more internal peace while I wait. When I was younger, waiting was an anxious, trying to make time move faster activity. I wanted “fast time”. I couldn’t WAIT for Christmas, my birthday, to turn 12, to turn 21. I couldn’t WAIT until graduation, my baby was born, the tulips came up, until summer arrived. I couldn’t WAIT to get married, to buy a house, to receive the blouse I ordered, to see my boyfriend on Saturday night.
When I can manifest “slow time”, I know I’m living in the present moment. I’m waiting on the supermarket line in a different way. I’m waiting patiently for my favorite Tuesday night TV show to come on. It becomes a balancing act between learning how to wait, and not passively waiting for life to show up. Peaceful waiting means trusting that I am in the right place and that all is evolving in the universe as it was intended. So I will learn to wait, not for life to pass me by---but so that I can see life’s unfolding more clearly---more dearly.
How do you feel about this?
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