CAREGIVING A LOVED ONE

After my husband’s heart attack I was coping, but then I felt overwhelmed by strong feelings of grief. My husband was alive, so how come I was feeling such grief and loss? The answer is, our life together had changed forever.

Susan, Age 64

Like Susan who wrote the quote above, I’m feeling grief and loss today. My husband of 25 years has needed a hip replacement for a while and he’s been unable to do many of things we used to do; walks in the woods, leisurely shopping trips; long car rides. While awaiting his scheduled hip surgery, he recently fell down our split level stairs as a result of his weakened right side and broke his ankle in two places. So now the hip surgery must wait for the broken ankle to set! In the meantime, he’s on crutches and I’m waiting on him and trying to make the best of it. I find my patience wearing thin and some significant sadness regarding our reduced lifestyle.

Older couples who have successfully negotiated the early stages of retirement may find themselves facing crises when illness or injury upsets the long-time balance of roles and responsibilities in their relationship. We mourn our old innocent ways...and our lost certainties. We face changes in lifestyle, financial security, retirement and our spouses’ physical capabilities. Perhaps, over the years you developed a certain sense of security and now the rules have changed. The upside is that a brush with mortality can reorder a couple’s priorities for the better. A health crisis
can pull some couples apart, intensifying existing conflicts. For others, the crisis provides an opportunity for enriching the relationship.

Millions of older American women are caring for a chronically ill husband or partner. This stressful endeavor can be hazardous to the caregiver’s health, especially in cases where the chronic disease is severe. Some caregivers begin to neglect themselves and unknowingly create stress-induced health issues. To maintain your role as a functional caretaker, you must pay attention to your own needs. I make an annoucement to my injured husband at least once a day that sounds like this: “Honey, it’s my turn now. I need at least one hour to take care of myself. Can I do anything for you before I go (downstairs, shopping, into the bathtub, etc.).”

Taking care of yourself helps you come to terms with this life changing crisis. Take charge of your life and don’t let your loved one’s illness or disability always take center stage. Honor yourself---you’re doing a very hard job and you deserve some quality time, just for you. When someone offers to lend a hand, accept their offer. Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition, promote your loved one’s independence, grieve your losses and allow yourself to dream new dreams.

There is great strength in knowing you are not alone so seek support from other caregivers. Check with your local hospital to see if they have caregiver support groups. You will also feel less fearful if you can involve the whole family. At weekly problem solving meetings, ask each person to describe his greatest concerns. Then discuss them. If your children are grown and living elsewhere, performing this exercise even once during a visit can break the tension and be extremely helpful.

If you are grieving over the loss of your former life with your husband or partner, honest discussion of the changes in your relationship can ease the pain. Remember that you and your loved one’s combined grief is both a process that make take some time, and an opportunity for deepening your relationship.