THOUGHTS ON AUNT GRACE

“You may be wondering what Buddhism has to do with growing older, but if you can accept that ‘non-attachment’ is helpful, you will discover that possessions aren’t as important as they were.” Rebecca Latimer, You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety

I’m remembering my husband’s Aunt. Grace was someone I truly admired for her straight forward, no nonsense approach to life. Widowed for some time and living alone at 90, we often visited her in her small, tastefully appointed one-bedroom apartment in the upscale neighborhood of Central Park West in Manhattan, NY. Everything was in its place---clean and tidy. On one of our visits, I noticed something important about her lifestyle. She had enough money to buy out Saks Fifth Avenue, yet when she opened her front hall closet door to retrieve her coat for a walk with us to the grocery store, I noticed only these few items:

• an umbrella
• a rain coat
• a light weight coat for spring
• a heavy woolen coat for winter
• one pair of sturdy, fashionable overshoes
• one silk scarf and one woolen scarf
• one pair of well made leather gloves
That was all! And this was a woman who could afford to fill her closets three times over! I never asked her why she didn’t have an accumulation of things, but if I had, I’m sure she would have responded that living in a simple, uncluttered apartment made life much easier and more manageable.

Aunt Grace had a small simple kitchen with no fancy appliances---just the basics. She and several of her older neighbors checked in on each other daily. Grace loved traveling the world and yet she was down to earth. She loved being around people and around culture and the arts and so Manhattan suited her. No retirement home for her! In fact, she lived happily on her own, in her apartment until she left her interesting, beautiful and uncluttered life in her mid-90’s! When I grow up, I want to be Aunt Grace.

UTERUSES AND VAGINAS!

“I can’t stand how grim everyone is about aging----osteoporosis, liver spots, vaginal dryness---oh, please!” Valerie Harper, Today I am a Ma’am

Let’s face it. If you’re an older women, you’ve got at least a vagina and maybe a uterus. These precious body parts deserve our attention just like any other body part. I’ll start this discussion with our friend the vagina (mom used to refer to it as, “down there”).

When women enter menopause, one of the most common complaints is vaginal dryness during sex which can make intercourse feel scratchy or painful. Fortunately, medical science has come to the rescue. Talk to your gyno regarding prescriptions, lubricants, hormone creams which can thicken and nourish the vaginal tissues. You may also want to try a non-hormonal lubricant.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way --- let’s get even more personal. Did you know that regular toning of your vaginal muscles increases circulation to this area of your body and helps keep vaginal tissues moist and healthy. You don’t have to go to the gym for this one (although you can do them there also). Exercise your vaginal muscles by doing Kegel exercises. Squeeze your vaginal muscles (these are the same ones you use to stop the flow of urine) and hold them for 10 seconds and relax. Repeat several times per day. I do them whenever I’m stopped at a traffic light or on line at the supermarket. No one knows my secret! As you’re doing these discreet exercises, try not to contract your thighs, buttocks or abdominals at the same time and visualize “down there” as healthy, pink, moist and resilient.

And now on to your uterus! If you’ve still got one, you may be one of the 40% of U.S. women who have uterine fibroids. Some fibroids go away of their own accord., while others stay and cause problems. Although there are dietary and hormonal reasons why so many women have these growths, the baseline ‘energetic’ causes of fibroids may have to do with blockage and stagnation of the energy of the pelvis. In her widely acclaimed newsletter called “Health Wisdom for Women”, Dr. Christiane Northrup suggests that “the illnesses that originate in this area of the body are activated by prolonged stress from fear of losing control over our physical environments....Fibroids represent creative energy that hasn’t been birthed. We are at risk for fibroids when we direct our energy into any dead-end relationship...a job, a marriage, a family or virtually any situation that is less than fulfilling...”

If you’ve had a hysterectomy or are anticipating one, remember that a hysterectomy doesn’t necessarily diminish your sexuality. Most women who have hysterectomies report more sexual activity and greater pleasure after the operation that before it. The probable reason--the symptoms that usually lead to hysterectomy, including pain and heavy bleeding, keep women from enjoying sex fully before the operation.

So, have a good time paying attention to those parts “down there” and get on with living!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, AGAIN!

“I tell people I’m 75 instead of 65 so they’ll think I look great for my age!”Patti Dudyshun, Astrological Counselor

Just before my 50th birthday I suffered a concussion and damage to my neck in a car accident and consequently missed having the celebratory party I had envisioned. When I finally started to feel well enough to give a party (it took 2 years!) I decided I would celebrate my 50th at age 52. Now when my birthday rolls around, I feel each birthday is once again my 50th because having survived that accident, I’m so glad to be alive. At my 50th birthday party (which I celebrated at 52) I bought party hats and noise makers for my guests, and bubbles to blow. I will never deny my true age (I’ll be 62 on June 12th) but I plan to celebrate my 50th over and over until I’m 100! So this year I’m celebrating my 50th again because that was the year I realized how precious and precarious life is.

Gifts are another issue. Don’t we have enough stuff at this point!?  My over 70 friend Alma told me we should all, “get a hobby so your friends and your kids will know what to buy you. Then you won’t end up with a bunch of extraneous nonsense.” I’ve got lots of hobbies and I’m still not in the mood for gifts that relate to any them. My house is full of stuff that I’m trying to rid of. So don’t buy me a present---take me out for a drink or dinner. I like gifts that get eaten, digested and disappeared!

I’ve never felt upset about getting a year older. Negative feelings abound on the issue of birthdays like the ones that Mary McConnell expressed in one of her books, “Turning sixty sneaks up on you, like a difficult guest you know is coming...and suddenly sixty knocks at the door” Some women I’ve spoken to barely enjoy their birthdays anymore because they don’t like calling attention to their age. That’s a shame, because for most, birthdays were so special when they were younger.

Not everyone is negative when it comes to celebrating their years. On her 60th birthday my friend Patty told me, “I love celebrating my birthday. The attention is on just me---all day! I’ve got no problem saying how old I am. I was born on July 25th so I’ve always celebrated the entire month---starting with July 4th. On reaching 60, I’m feeling a new freedom---total permission to be me. If I want to do anything, good or bad, the decision is totally mine. I feel just fine saying “no” if I don’t want to do something. In recent years I rent a house on the beach where I celebrate my birthday with my friends. My time at the beach house gives me a sense of peace and calm and brings me back to who I am.”

Try not to think about the accumulation of your birthdays. It’s how you feel that matters. Consider spending your birthday in a way that feels best to you---with others or alone. Or try one of these:

• Do something daring like rent a convertible and drive with the top down, or arrange for a hot air balloon ride
• Throw yourself a party for an in-between birthday---like 57 instead of 60.
• Before your birthday arrives buy a beautiful journal. Fill every page with positive memories, and things you’re proud of, then give it to yourself as a birthday present.
• Spend part of the day meditating and reflecting on your life.

WHY ARE MY EARS SO LONG?

Sometimes I look in the mirror expecting to see the body, the face of my youth because I remember her. She’s still in me.” Melody Beattie, Journey to the Heart


Sometime after turning 55 I remember waking up one morning to the birds singing outside my window and the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. I believed it was going to be a perfect day until I struggled to my feet, hand on my back and hobbled past the full length mirror on the bedroom door. Eyes still blurry from sleep, I leaned toward the mirror and thought, “Who is that old woman? Am I still in there?” I wondered. (At 61, I don’t wonder any more.)

Then, even before I had my coffee, I remembered something else that made me want to go back to bed. In doing the research for this book I had read that after 50, our tissues start drying out! One reason weight actually drops after 55! (I’m still waiting for that to happen!) And of all things, they tell us that around 65 our noses and ear lobes elongate! Oh my. Floppy ear lobes and long noses! However, our biological clocks tick at wildly different rates and no two women will age in exactly the same way. So, while some of you are drying out and losing weight at age 55, others of you may not experience nose droop until you’re 80!

Not wanting to deal with all this information on my own, I poured myself a cup of coffee and called my friend Deb for some consolation. She listened while I moaned and groaned about my inevitable decline with age and she jokingly replied, “let’s just kill ourselves and be done with it!” That’s one way to end your concern and I don’t recommend it. I think it’s important to have a more upbeat approach, don’t you? So, I’m considering this---when my ears are longer, my dangle earings will swing better and if my nose gets longer at least it will be drier and I won’t have to stoop as far to smell the flowers!

DO I LOOK LIKE A GRANDMA?

There are more grandmothers alive today than at any other time in the history of the world. However, today’s grandmothers don’t look like grandmothers.

Lois Wyse, Funny, You Don’t Look Like a Grandmother, Crown Publishers, 1989

And what is a grandmother supposed to look like? Mine looked sweet and had small, strong arthritic hands. Her skin was transparent and loose crepe paper skin decorated her outstretched arms. Her eyes twinkled like Mrs. Santa Claus and when she got mad her face reddened, her high-pitched voice poised to cut you in half. After the scolding she would give you a big hug. Sunday mornings, wrapped in a flower-printed, handmade apron, she’d produce stacks of thin, buttery Swedish pancakes. She cooked everything in butter and didn’t weigh more than three bags of groceries. Did she look like a grandma? You bet. And, more than that, she acted like one.

Grandma was the one you could go to with the stuff you didn’t want to share with your mother. She wasn’t as judgmental. She played cards with us, and Parchessi and Chinese Checkers. She taught me how to sew with a thimble, how to knit a scarf and crochet the edge on a pillowcase. I’ve got five grandchildren. Do I look like a grandmother? I would like to think not---yet, what am I so worried about. I sure would like to be more of a grandmother---not as concerned about every little wrinkle, ache and pain. I’d like to be more concerned with being the one the kids come to with their problems.  I’d like to worry less about my post-menopausal weight gain and double chin and be more available to play Gin Rummy or X-box. I’d like to be less concerned with how much my skin is sagging and focus more on giving the best hugs in the world.

Speaking of grandma, I heard her voice in my head this morning. “Why don’t they make things the way they used to?” she said. “The size of my foundation makeup keeps getting smaller.” On a positive note, as I was brushing my teeth, she went on to say, “My, aren’t you lucky to still have most of your teeth!”

CAREGIVING A LOVED ONE

After my husband’s heart attack I was coping, but then I felt overwhelmed by strong feelings of grief. My husband was alive, so how come I was feeling such grief and loss? The answer is, our life together had changed forever.

Susan, Age 64

Like Susan who wrote the quote above, I’m feeling grief and loss today. My husband of 25 years has needed a hip replacement for a while and he’s been unable to do many of things we used to do; walks in the woods, leisurely shopping trips; long car rides. While awaiting his scheduled hip surgery, he recently fell down our split level stairs as a result of his weakened right side and broke his ankle in two places. So now the hip surgery must wait for the broken ankle to set! In the meantime, he’s on crutches and I’m waiting on him and trying to make the best of it. I find my patience wearing thin and some significant sadness regarding our reduced lifestyle.

Older couples who have successfully negotiated the early stages of retirement may find themselves facing crises when illness or injury upsets the long-time balance of roles and responsibilities in their relationship. We mourn our old innocent ways...and our lost certainties. We face changes in lifestyle, financial security, retirement and our spouses’ physical capabilities. Perhaps, over the years you developed a certain sense of security and now the rules have changed. The upside is that a brush with mortality can reorder a couple’s priorities for the better. A health crisis
can pull some couples apart, intensifying existing conflicts. For others, the crisis provides an opportunity for enriching the relationship.

Millions of older American women are caring for a chronically ill husband or partner. This stressful endeavor can be hazardous to the caregiver’s health, especially in cases where the chronic disease is severe. Some caregivers begin to neglect themselves and unknowingly create stress-induced health issues. To maintain your role as a functional caretaker, you must pay attention to your own needs. I make an annoucement to my injured husband at least once a day that sounds like this: “Honey, it’s my turn now. I need at least one hour to take care of myself. Can I do anything for you before I go (downstairs, shopping, into the bathtub, etc.).”

Taking care of yourself helps you come to terms with this life changing crisis. Take charge of your life and don’t let your loved one’s illness or disability always take center stage. Honor yourself---you’re doing a very hard job and you deserve some quality time, just for you. When someone offers to lend a hand, accept their offer. Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition, promote your loved one’s independence, grieve your losses and allow yourself to dream new dreams.

There is great strength in knowing you are not alone so seek support from other caregivers. Check with your local hospital to see if they have caregiver support groups. You will also feel less fearful if you can involve the whole family. At weekly problem solving meetings, ask each person to describe his greatest concerns. Then discuss them. If your children are grown and living elsewhere, performing this exercise even once during a visit can break the tension and be extremely helpful.

If you are grieving over the loss of your former life with your husband or partner, honest discussion of the changes in your relationship can ease the pain. Remember that you and your loved one’s combined grief is both a process that make take some time, and an opportunity for deepening your relationship.

BECOMING INVISIBLE

“Many women approaching 50 don’t feel glamorous; they feel invisible...I think they mean sexually invisible, but if they send out the right vibes, they won’t be... “ Judith Krantz


In the quote above, Judith Krantz brings up a good point---what kind of vibes are you sending out? I remember the first time I heard the “invisibility” indictment. I was sitting with a client who was 15 years older than me at the time (which made her about 55---seven years younger than I am today). She had just gone through the healing process from a difficult divorce and was ready to start dating for the first time in 30 years. She was feeling invisible and unnoticed at social events even when she was dressed well and coifed to the nines. I recall thinking to myself that will never happen to me---I would never feel that way!

Yet sometime in my late forties, I began to feel the invisibility I was so sure I would never experience. It was upsetting at the time. My self-esteem began to plummet and I was starting to feel less sexy and desirable. At the same time, I began to develop a sense of relief from the pressure to be young and look fabulous at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up on myself, I still take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress well. But as I said, the pressure is less and that’s a relief. Author, Mary McDonnell, (Still Dancing: Life Choices & Challenges for Women, Harbinger House, Inc., 1990) reminds us that “Growing older is not a reason to develop low self-esteem. Many women find new confidence and self-assurance after fifty.”

That’s what I’ve decided is worth working on---a new confidence and self-assurance. At fifty I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds. I also had my “colors done” and a makeup consultation that helped me feel better about how I look. At 61, am I still feeling invisible? Maybe a little, but more importantly I’m not invisible to me. I matter, and I am clearly here, on solid ground feeling confident and in tune with my body.

You will undoubtedly develop extremely low self esteem if most of your life you relied on your looks to give you a sense of value. If you think that’s the only way you are seen, then be prepared to become invisible and stay that way! In her book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson said “...as we age, gorgeous young hunks may or may not be interested in us any more. For that matter, men our own age and older might not be interested anymore.
My response
to that is ‘so what?’”

The goal is to arrive at the point where you’re comfortable with who you are and as invisible as you choose to be!