“Many women approaching 50 don’t feel glamorous; they feel invisible...I think they mean sexually invisible, but if they send out the right vibes, they won’t be... “ Judith Krantz
In the quote above, Judith Krantz brings up a good point---what kind of vibes are you sending out? I remember the first time I heard the “invisibility” indictment. I was sitting with a client who was 15 years older than me at the time (which made her about 55---seven years younger than I am today). She had just gone through the healing process from a difficult divorce and was ready to start dating for the first time in 30 years. She was feeling invisible and unnoticed at social events even when she was dressed well and coifed to the nines. I recall thinking to myself that will never happen to me---I would never feel that way!
Yet sometime in my late forties, I began to feel the invisibility I was so sure I would never experience. It was upsetting at the time. My self-esteem began to plummet and I was starting to feel less sexy and desirable. At the same time, I began to develop a sense of relief from the pressure to be young and look fabulous at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up on myself, I still take the time to do my hair and makeup and dress well. But as I said, the pressure is less and that’s a relief. Author, Mary McDonnell, (Still Dancing: Life Choices & Challenges for Women, Harbinger House, Inc., 1990) reminds us that “Growing older is not a reason to develop low self-esteem. Many women find new confidence and self-assurance after fifty.”
That’s what I’ve decided is worth working on---a new confidence and self-assurance. At fifty I joined a gym and Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds. I also had my “colors done” and a makeup consultation that helped me feel better about how I look. At 61, am I still feeling invisible? Maybe a little, but more importantly I’m not invisible to me. I matter, and I am clearly here, on solid ground feeling confident and in tune with my body.
You will undoubtedly develop extremely low self esteem if most of your life you relied on your looks to give you a sense of value. If you think that’s the only way you are seen, then be prepared to become invisible and stay that way! In her book, A Woman’s Worth, Marianne Williamson said “...as we age, gorgeous young hunks may or may not be interested in us any more. For that matter, men our own age and older might not be interested anymore.
My response
to that is ‘so what?’”
The goal is to arrive at the point where you’re comfortable with who you are and as invisible as you choose to be!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
OUR SELF IMAGE
“Most important, I will learn that being old is a badge of honor, not a reason to hide in shame. I will refuse to be invisible!” Finy Hansen, New Age Magazine, November/December 2001
For many women, self image and self esteem, begins to decline with age. They feel invisible. They feel young on the inside but not in their outward appearance. They find it takes a lot more effort to maintain their looks and their bodies.
With so much emphasis placed on appearance by our society, the scariest part of aging for many women is that they now have to rely on who they are rather than on what they look like. I had to ask myself am I so attached to my younger looks that I’ve misplaced who I really am at 61? When I was in my fifties I began to feel estranged from my body and the weight gain I experienced after menopause was literally weighing me down.
As far back as I could remember, I’d been able to eat whatever I liked without gaining much weight. I’d burn it off running errands and chasing children. Imagine my amazement when this metabolic miracle ended just as I was on the cusp of 50. I had not changed my eating habits one iota, yet suddenly I was gaining and gaining until I discovered I was 40 pounds overweight! I tried on everything in my closet and donated anything without a stretchy waste band. I didn’t even try on the tailored jackets and pants I knew I wouldn’t be able to button.
At one point I told myself I wanted to be like Ruth Harriet Jacobs, author of Be An Outrageous Older Woman who writes, “I am a woman of size but refuse to hide in black or navy blue. I wear bright colors and wild styles rather than apologizing for age or taking up sizable space in the world.” But, I’m not as brave as Ruth yet.
Where do I fit now? Some of the older women in my neighborhood have white hair, some are arthritic and stooped, some look like they’ve given up. Sometimes we smile at each other. But I wonder, if they consider me one of their own? Sometimes I feel like an impostor and part of me wants to deny kinship with these older women. I want to be in the club, but I want to look good---feel good---project health.
Should we totally ignore the image we project? Of course not---but as older women it’s important to remember that we are also much more than our image. There are two authors that I particularly admire for their insight and wisdom on this topic: In Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “Love how you look, smell and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance of your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you’ve done.”
And Elizabeth Cady Stanton who said, .”Be kind, noble, generous, well-mannered, be true to yourselves and your friends, and the soft lines of these tender graces and noble virtues will reveal themselves in the face...in a personal atmosphere of goodness and greatness that none can mistake...We cannot be one thing and look another...There are indelible marks in every face showing the real life within.”
Take time to explore the key issues of redefining your older self image. Ask yourself---what constitutes a healthy self image?
For many women, self image and self esteem, begins to decline with age. They feel invisible. They feel young on the inside but not in their outward appearance. They find it takes a lot more effort to maintain their looks and their bodies.
With so much emphasis placed on appearance by our society, the scariest part of aging for many women is that they now have to rely on who they are rather than on what they look like. I had to ask myself am I so attached to my younger looks that I’ve misplaced who I really am at 61? When I was in my fifties I began to feel estranged from my body and the weight gain I experienced after menopause was literally weighing me down.
As far back as I could remember, I’d been able to eat whatever I liked without gaining much weight. I’d burn it off running errands and chasing children. Imagine my amazement when this metabolic miracle ended just as I was on the cusp of 50. I had not changed my eating habits one iota, yet suddenly I was gaining and gaining until I discovered I was 40 pounds overweight! I tried on everything in my closet and donated anything without a stretchy waste band. I didn’t even try on the tailored jackets and pants I knew I wouldn’t be able to button.
At one point I told myself I wanted to be like Ruth Harriet Jacobs, author of Be An Outrageous Older Woman who writes, “I am a woman of size but refuse to hide in black or navy blue. I wear bright colors and wild styles rather than apologizing for age or taking up sizable space in the world.” But, I’m not as brave as Ruth yet.
Where do I fit now? Some of the older women in my neighborhood have white hair, some are arthritic and stooped, some look like they’ve given up. Sometimes we smile at each other. But I wonder, if they consider me one of their own? Sometimes I feel like an impostor and part of me wants to deny kinship with these older women. I want to be in the club, but I want to look good---feel good---project health.
Should we totally ignore the image we project? Of course not---but as older women it’s important to remember that we are also much more than our image. There are two authors that I particularly admire for their insight and wisdom on this topic: In Journey to the Heart, Melody Beattie says, “Love how you look, smell and feel. Love the color of your eyes, the color of your hair, and the radiance of your heart. Love how you laugh. Love how you cry. Love your mistakes, and love all the good you’ve done.”
And Elizabeth Cady Stanton who said, .”Be kind, noble, generous, well-mannered, be true to yourselves and your friends, and the soft lines of these tender graces and noble virtues will reveal themselves in the face...in a personal atmosphere of goodness and greatness that none can mistake...We cannot be one thing and look another...There are indelible marks in every face showing the real life within.”
Take time to explore the key issues of redefining your older self image. Ask yourself---what constitutes a healthy self image?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
WAITING
“The older one gets the more one feels that the present must be enjoyed; it is a precious gift, comparable to a state of grace.”
Marie Curie
As I age I feel I am at the same time getting better at waiting, and more impatient with it. When I barrel at high speed through my days, I’m increasingly aware that I miss the nuances of the moments that are only available when you are still.
I remember my grandmother. No matter what the occasion or who was coming to take her out, she was always ready to go an hour ahead of time. Should would sit patiently by the front door, coat on, purse held tightly on her lap---waiting. I felt uncomfortable seeing her sit there for such a long time, but it has occurred to me lately that it was a productive activity for her. That perhaps she used those quiet, unhurried moments as an opportunity to meditate, be in the moment, to experience more fully what was happening inside and around her.
Perhaps I’m becoming more like her. I’m feeling that I want more “slow time” these days, more patience, more internal peace while I wait. When I was younger, waiting was an anxious, trying to make time move faster activity. I wanted “fast time”. I couldn’t WAIT for Christmas, my birthday, to turn 12, to turn 21. I couldn’t WAIT until graduation, my baby was born, the tulips came up, until summer arrived. I couldn’t WAIT to get married, to buy a house, to receive the blouse I ordered, to see my boyfriend on Saturday night.
When I can manifest “slow time”, I know I’m living in the present moment. I’m waiting on the supermarket line in a different way. I’m waiting patiently for my favorite Tuesday night TV show to come on. It becomes a balancing act between learning how to wait, and not passively waiting for life to show up. Peaceful waiting means trusting that I am in the right place and that all is evolving in the universe as it was intended. So I will learn to wait, not for life to pass me by---but so that I can see life’s unfolding more clearly---more dearly.
How do you feel about this?
Marie Curie
As I age I feel I am at the same time getting better at waiting, and more impatient with it. When I barrel at high speed through my days, I’m increasingly aware that I miss the nuances of the moments that are only available when you are still.
I remember my grandmother. No matter what the occasion or who was coming to take her out, she was always ready to go an hour ahead of time. Should would sit patiently by the front door, coat on, purse held tightly on her lap---waiting. I felt uncomfortable seeing her sit there for such a long time, but it has occurred to me lately that it was a productive activity for her. That perhaps she used those quiet, unhurried moments as an opportunity to meditate, be in the moment, to experience more fully what was happening inside and around her.
Perhaps I’m becoming more like her. I’m feeling that I want more “slow time” these days, more patience, more internal peace while I wait. When I was younger, waiting was an anxious, trying to make time move faster activity. I wanted “fast time”. I couldn’t WAIT for Christmas, my birthday, to turn 12, to turn 21. I couldn’t WAIT until graduation, my baby was born, the tulips came up, until summer arrived. I couldn’t WAIT to get married, to buy a house, to receive the blouse I ordered, to see my boyfriend on Saturday night.
When I can manifest “slow time”, I know I’m living in the present moment. I’m waiting on the supermarket line in a different way. I’m waiting patiently for my favorite Tuesday night TV show to come on. It becomes a balancing act between learning how to wait, and not passively waiting for life to show up. Peaceful waiting means trusting that I am in the right place and that all is evolving in the universe as it was intended. So I will learn to wait, not for life to pass me by---but so that I can see life’s unfolding more clearly---more dearly.
How do you feel about this?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
THE DECISION
“...I want to make a terribly important point. People decide to get old. I’ve seen them do it. It’s as if they’ve said, ‘Right, that’s it, now I’m going to get old.’ Then they become old. Why they do this, I don’t know.”
---Doris Lessing
Perhaps you’ve entered a time in your life when your strength or abilities have diminished. You were active in one pursuit or another your entire life, and now you‘re not as able (or completely unable) to continue those activities. It’s probably time to find a new purpose, a new reason for living a full life, and it’s time to find new opportunities which will cause you to stretch and grow.
Where do you begin? Begin with a decision. As Doris Lessing tells us, we decide to get old. That means we’ve got some control over this passage into the next 50 years.
As for me, about six years ago I decided that I’m not aging---I’m evolving. Don’t you just love the sound of that word?! Evolving, revolving, involving, solving and resolving not to “get old”. You can evolve until you die (and maybe even beyond that! But, that’s another book).
Here’s my idea---I’ve decided to be old one day a year when I go for my physical and the doctor says, “You know, at your age....you should, etc...”. The other 364 days a year when I’m not in the doctors office, I’ll put my energy into evolving! And here’s another idea. Gather up all your health statistics (cholesterol numbers etc.) and put them in a file. You know the statistics I’m talking about---those numbers that remind you you’re aging. Then visit your statistics once a year or so (unless your health really depends on another regimen). Remember, you have a choice----you can make the decision to put meaning and excitment in your life or you can decide to be old.
---Doris Lessing
Perhaps you’ve entered a time in your life when your strength or abilities have diminished. You were active in one pursuit or another your entire life, and now you‘re not as able (or completely unable) to continue those activities. It’s probably time to find a new purpose, a new reason for living a full life, and it’s time to find new opportunities which will cause you to stretch and grow.
Where do you begin? Begin with a decision. As Doris Lessing tells us, we decide to get old. That means we’ve got some control over this passage into the next 50 years.
As for me, about six years ago I decided that I’m not aging---I’m evolving. Don’t you just love the sound of that word?! Evolving, revolving, involving, solving and resolving not to “get old”. You can evolve until you die (and maybe even beyond that! But, that’s another book).
Here’s my idea---I’ve decided to be old one day a year when I go for my physical and the doctor says, “You know, at your age....you should, etc...”. The other 364 days a year when I’m not in the doctors office, I’ll put my energy into evolving! And here’s another idea. Gather up all your health statistics (cholesterol numbers etc.) and put them in a file. You know the statistics I’m talking about---those numbers that remind you you’re aging. Then visit your statistics once a year or so (unless your health really depends on another regimen). Remember, you have a choice----you can make the decision to put meaning and excitment in your life or you can decide to be old.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
SAYING WHAT I MEAN
“Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not sooner, be completely oneself. And what a liberation that would be!” Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift From the Sea
Gloria Steinem once said, “Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age.” and Lynne Zielinski tells us in Chocolate for a Woman’s Spirit that “...Like autumn fruit, I’ve mellowed and thrown off inhibition to say what I mean...” So has my sister, Marilyn Houston, who wrote this poem:
Cookie Cutters
Aaaah, the scene opens . . . .
whether you like it or not
rain punctuates puddles marking cadence
for a spotty spring ballet of fools
it’s a goose-step two-step,
so very tiring especially if you do it right
I’m a sun-dancer with a tie-dye mind
running from clones in Cadillacs
drones in cathedrals, perpetually
harping we’ve fallen from grace
they’re expecting the worst
and it never disappoints . . . .
so many blank faces, so little time
how can anyone deny God’s sense of humor
while under the sublime influence of Heaven
or is it advertising?
I declare war on snobbish university poets
their self-proclaimed perfectionism incensed
that we don’t follow their rules,
their pentameters, particulars and perpendiculars
ha, you can’t stop me now with your parameters,
there’s a lot more where that came from
and I’m not about to do it your way
even if your power trip
IS bigger than I am
‘cause I gotta voice
Listening to your inner voice makes it possible to start living more authentically---to speak with a true voice and from your own system of values and beliefs. Women at any age, but especially as they grow older, get to go beyond the superficial injunctions of the culture---prentending to be pleasant or acting invisible. As we age it is even more important to assert our full power in relationships and work. It’s a time when we can be more direct and more outspoken.
As writer Maxine Myers once said, “I no longer consider silence a virtue. Speaking up is OK, and speaking up louder is even better in some cases.” How do you feel about this? You gotta voice!!!
Gloria Steinem once said, “Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age.” and Lynne Zielinski tells us in Chocolate for a Woman’s Spirit that “...Like autumn fruit, I’ve mellowed and thrown off inhibition to say what I mean...” So has my sister, Marilyn Houston, who wrote this poem:
Cookie Cutters
Aaaah, the scene opens . . . .
whether you like it or not
rain punctuates puddles marking cadence
for a spotty spring ballet of fools
it’s a goose-step two-step,
so very tiring especially if you do it right
I’m a sun-dancer with a tie-dye mind
running from clones in Cadillacs
drones in cathedrals, perpetually
harping we’ve fallen from grace
they’re expecting the worst
and it never disappoints . . . .
so many blank faces, so little time
how can anyone deny God’s sense of humor
while under the sublime influence of Heaven
or is it advertising?
I declare war on snobbish university poets
their self-proclaimed perfectionism incensed
that we don’t follow their rules,
their pentameters, particulars and perpendiculars
ha, you can’t stop me now with your parameters,
there’s a lot more where that came from
and I’m not about to do it your way
even if your power trip
IS bigger than I am
‘cause I gotta voice
Listening to your inner voice makes it possible to start living more authentically---to speak with a true voice and from your own system of values and beliefs. Women at any age, but especially as they grow older, get to go beyond the superficial injunctions of the culture---prentending to be pleasant or acting invisible. As we age it is even more important to assert our full power in relationships and work. It’s a time when we can be more direct and more outspoken.
As writer Maxine Myers once said, “I no longer consider silence a virtue. Speaking up is OK, and speaking up louder is even better in some cases.” How do you feel about this? You gotta voice!!!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
AN ATTITUDE OF SOLITUDE
“There have been times...when I have longed for solitude, and it took some hard lessons for me to learn that I needed to be what I had thought was selfish; that I need to take time to myself to write, to go to the brook, to be.” Madeleine L’engle, The Irrational Season
I remember my petite 89-year old Swedish grandmother sitting in her chair doing absolutely nothing---her arthritic hands folded gracefully on her lap, her face tranquil. She didn’t look depressed or lonely but I asked if she was okay. A smile crossed her face as she told me that she was reliving an exciting, fun-filled time in her younger years. Although Grandma was mostly blind from an earlier stroke, she still lead a busy life---visiting friends, going to her senior’s club, listening to books on tape and caring for her grandchildren. Yet, she knew how to be still. She was comfortable with solitude.
I was once afraid of solitude, afraid of my internal sounds and of being by myself. At 61, I’ve found our extroverted, noisy society and its pull to constantly communicate in some way, a bit too much. I’ve come to realize that my need to pull away from the noise and the chatter is as universal at this age as the urge to connect. As I age, I find I need time to be in touch with me. Cell phones, texting, email, and twitter give us the ability to be in constant touch with each other. It’s not that these technologies are is so bad, it’s just that I need quiet time to know myself and my needs better, to sort things out, to regroup. I want to understand how I think and feel and where I want to go with my life and that’s hard to do when you let the world push in on you.
It’s okay to take a break from it all now and then. Taking time alone will serve to restore your integrity, allow you to think about your beliefs and what you value most. A self-imposed quiet can fertilize your creative side as ideas emerge long buried by the daily rush. Alone time replenishes energy so when you resume interacting with others, you do so with renewed insight and strength.
Try not to wait until you have a whole day or week free to incorporate a bit of solitude and reflection into your day . To begin with try some simple pleasures---a walk in the park on your own, sit by yourself and listen to music, sink into a warm bath, meditate for 10 minutes, pet your cat with your eyes closed. If you aren’t used to being alone, you might feel a little bored at first. Stay with it. After a few minutes you may like it! How can you create more solitude in your life?
I remember my petite 89-year old Swedish grandmother sitting in her chair doing absolutely nothing---her arthritic hands folded gracefully on her lap, her face tranquil. She didn’t look depressed or lonely but I asked if she was okay. A smile crossed her face as she told me that she was reliving an exciting, fun-filled time in her younger years. Although Grandma was mostly blind from an earlier stroke, she still lead a busy life---visiting friends, going to her senior’s club, listening to books on tape and caring for her grandchildren. Yet, she knew how to be still. She was comfortable with solitude.
I was once afraid of solitude, afraid of my internal sounds and of being by myself. At 61, I’ve found our extroverted, noisy society and its pull to constantly communicate in some way, a bit too much. I’ve come to realize that my need to pull away from the noise and the chatter is as universal at this age as the urge to connect. As I age, I find I need time to be in touch with me. Cell phones, texting, email, and twitter give us the ability to be in constant touch with each other. It’s not that these technologies are is so bad, it’s just that I need quiet time to know myself and my needs better, to sort things out, to regroup. I want to understand how I think and feel and where I want to go with my life and that’s hard to do when you let the world push in on you.
It’s okay to take a break from it all now and then. Taking time alone will serve to restore your integrity, allow you to think about your beliefs and what you value most. A self-imposed quiet can fertilize your creative side as ideas emerge long buried by the daily rush. Alone time replenishes energy so when you resume interacting with others, you do so with renewed insight and strength.
Try not to wait until you have a whole day or week free to incorporate a bit of solitude and reflection into your day . To begin with try some simple pleasures---a walk in the park on your own, sit by yourself and listen to music, sink into a warm bath, meditate for 10 minutes, pet your cat with your eyes closed. If you aren’t used to being alone, you might feel a little bored at first. Stay with it. After a few minutes you may like it! How can you create more solitude in your life?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
“It is in our later years that we are often able to give our most meaningful consideration to values, to refocusing our priorities, shifting our outlook and developing a sense of gratitude for the richness of life.”
Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler, Secrets of Becoming a Late Bloomer, Hazelden Foundation (c) 1995
Self-help gurus have lectured to us about gratitude for years now. How much more harping are we willing to endure before we take their advice to heart? They’re right, you know. Gratitude for even the smallest of things can magically shift a tough day from gray to sunny bright just like that!
Case in point: I wake up mopey, eyes crusty, hair sticking up at right angles the result of a crummy nights sleep (post-menopausal night sweats, husband snoring cat jumping on my feet, etc.). Groaning, I slither out of bed. Bare-footed and bone stiff I slog across the icy kitchen floor, reach for the coffee pot realizing as I lift it that I’d forgotten to set it up the night before. Now I must endure the noisy coffee bean grinder, put the coffee into the filter, water up to the line. Eyes glued to the machine I am waiting three weeks for the damn java to trickle down too slowly. The day is about to begin and I desperately need my sanity, my caffeine. There is no joy in my life at this moment.
Just then I remember the self-help gurus and decide to “do gratitude” while I wait. I decide, to focus on the positive like author Ruth Turk who wrote “To my amazement, I continue to find each decade of my lifetime more rewarding and exciting than the preceding ones.” (The Second Flowering, page 47, New Win Publishing, Clinton, NJ 1993) So let’s see---I’m grateful I have a husband (snoring and all), I’m grateful I have a house and warm bed to sleep in, I’m grateful for my sticky kitchen floor and I’m grateful the floor is cold because it reminds me that I’ve forgotten my slippers (which I go back to the bedroom to retrieve and which I’m very grateful I have!). I’m grateful for my coffee maker and the aroma of fresh beans. I’m thankful for the nose that enables me to smell the coffee brewing. And I am ever so grateful for the cup of coffee I am now putting to my lips as my brain begins to fill the empty space in my skull.
Got the idea? You can spend the day grousing because you forgot why you walked into the livingroom or you can be grateful for the legs that got you there.
Connie Goldman & Richard Mahler, Secrets of Becoming a Late Bloomer, Hazelden Foundation (c) 1995
Self-help gurus have lectured to us about gratitude for years now. How much more harping are we willing to endure before we take their advice to heart? They’re right, you know. Gratitude for even the smallest of things can magically shift a tough day from gray to sunny bright just like that!
Case in point: I wake up mopey, eyes crusty, hair sticking up at right angles the result of a crummy nights sleep (post-menopausal night sweats, husband snoring cat jumping on my feet, etc.). Groaning, I slither out of bed. Bare-footed and bone stiff I slog across the icy kitchen floor, reach for the coffee pot realizing as I lift it that I’d forgotten to set it up the night before. Now I must endure the noisy coffee bean grinder, put the coffee into the filter, water up to the line. Eyes glued to the machine I am waiting three weeks for the damn java to trickle down too slowly. The day is about to begin and I desperately need my sanity, my caffeine. There is no joy in my life at this moment.
Just then I remember the self-help gurus and decide to “do gratitude” while I wait. I decide, to focus on the positive like author Ruth Turk who wrote “To my amazement, I continue to find each decade of my lifetime more rewarding and exciting than the preceding ones.” (The Second Flowering, page 47, New Win Publishing, Clinton, NJ 1993) So let’s see---I’m grateful I have a husband (snoring and all), I’m grateful I have a house and warm bed to sleep in, I’m grateful for my sticky kitchen floor and I’m grateful the floor is cold because it reminds me that I’ve forgotten my slippers (which I go back to the bedroom to retrieve and which I’m very grateful I have!). I’m grateful for my coffee maker and the aroma of fresh beans. I’m thankful for the nose that enables me to smell the coffee brewing. And I am ever so grateful for the cup of coffee I am now putting to my lips as my brain begins to fill the empty space in my skull.
Got the idea? You can spend the day grousing because you forgot why you walked into the livingroom or you can be grateful for the legs that got you there.
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