UNFINISHED FAMILY BUSINESS

“Everyone has a stack of painful memories, rejections, disappointments, ridicule, sorrows over what might have been...we have a choice about whether we forgive others including our parents and heal ourselves or let the hurts go on festering.” Betty Nickerson, Old & Smart: Women and Aging

One of the blocks to successfully moving into the second half of our lives is unfinished family business. A friend of mine, a more than middle-aged woman, has not spoken to her parents or siblings since she graduated high school. I don’t know what caused the breach--but I have other friends who are very close to severing family ties because they get continuing aggravation instead of the understanding and support they need. However, leaving family issues unresolved can keep you stuck in the draining negative energy of the past. When you’re over fifty you’re going to need all the energy you can muster..

If family members can’t give you the support you need in an area that is sensitive to you, try to find some aspect of your life you can comfortably share with them. In some cases where a bridge can’t be built, you may have to create a new “family”. It’s never too late to do so. Weathering the storms of life isn’t easy and loving relationships can be a lifeboat---a lifeboat you can build by choosing less dysfunctional family members.

For example, I enlisted a new family for myself when I realized mine wasn’t capable of giving me what I needed. When I was developing my new family, I never directly asked anyone to fill the roles. I learned about each person’s background, and developed a plan to strengthen the relationship. When I found I could trust these new “family” members, I invited them into my life, sharing intimate details with each.

Although her circumstances were different than mine, consider what Roberta Russell says in her book, R. D. Laing and Me: Lessons in Love, where she describes how she re-created a family after losing her family to divorces and death. “I carefully chose six people for my new family. One was a great teacher...another, an excellent father...and so on. I worked hard to give them what they needed--and to establish trust. Being reliable was key.”

After you’ve managed to assemble a new, more functional family where you feel strong and safe, you might be best to acknowledge your anger and disappointment with your original family. This is key to moving into a healing process with them. Many years ago my therapist helped me honor my anger to make meaning of it all, and ultimately move toward forgiveness. Allowing room for anger allowed me to move to a place where where forgiveness and understanding could be born.

What does it mean to forgive? Webster defines it as “to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty.” If we are to forgive we must first surrender the right to get even. We then cease defining the one who hurt us in terms of the hurt that was caused. Keep in mind, there is nothing in Webster’s definition about the need to reach approval of the injurer’s actions. If we forgive we can also reach a point where we wish our injurers well---this act of forgiveness then becomes some kind of miracle after we’ve made meaning of the situation.

Being able to let go of negative feelings towards others is highly dependent on our ability to let go of negative feelings toward ourselves. When we have developed the ability to let go our own past mistakes, to acknowledge our humanness, it is almost magical how effortless it becomes to let go the mistakes of others.

No family connection of any kind would last if the silent reparative force of forgiveness were not working almost constantly to counteract the corrosive effects of resentment and bitterness. The wish to repair a wounded relationship, whether it takes the form of forgiveness, apology, or some other bridging gesture, is a basic human impulse. Forgiveness is not just a by-product of growth: The struggle to forgive can promote growth and give us back some of the energy we’ll need to get on with life!